Carson's Monologues from Heaven

2006-02-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

Brought to you by Johnny's Earthly Prophet: JAKE NOVAK of Jake's Comedy Corner

I'm back for another week. I was hoping to keep relaxing, but I heard Ed McMahon's cholesterol is up again and I need to start looking for a place to hide the booze.

So President Bush revealed the details of a foiled attack on L.A.'s library tower. Skeptics say he only did it to gain support for his controversial wiretapping program. That could be true if there were any people in America who gave a damn about what happens to Los Angeles.

So Attorney General Alberto Gonzales went before a Senate committee Monday to deny the NSA is tapping hundreds of thousands of phone calls to battle terrorism. Gonzales said only about 5,000 calls are being monitored for terrorism; so I guess all the others are just to help the Bush administration find out who's gay.

I see angry Muslims worldwide continue to protest cartoons in a Danish newspaper that offended them by torching European embassies. Of course the best way to protest cartoons that offend you is to drop an anvil on the head of the cartoonist.

And there are other newspaper comics that make Muslims angry; like the fact that
Lucy always steals football out from under Charlie Brown but never gets her hand sawed off.

It's still not looking too good in Detroit. General Motors has announced it will cut executive bonuses. In order to make up for their lost income, most GM execs plan to moonlight for Toyota.

This is a sweet story. Beloved New York City physician, Dr. Charles P. Vialotti is finally retiring seven decades after treating his first patient... it's taken him this long to finish the health insurance paperwork on that guy.

A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexually harassing a girl classmate. Experts say most six-year-olds can't even understand the idea of sexual harassment, but this kid may be an exception because he's the 1st grade class representative to the student government.

Well, the folks in Steel Town are happy. The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 to win Super Bowl XL. The most shocking moment came after the game when Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward was asked what he was going to do next and he said: "I'm going to see 'Brokeback Mountain!"

Also in sports, Wayne Gretzky's wife has been implicated in a huge NHL betting ring. The news is absolutely shocking; we've finally found a woman who bets on sports!

Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up. They couldn't get married because Lance failed the blood test.

Finally, I see they had the Grammys this week. The biggest winner was Kelly Clarkson. She was given the first award, so she didn't have to sit through the rest of the Grammys.

See you all next week. I'm invited to a party at JFK's place, and I don;t have to tell you how good they can be.

2006-02-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

It's good to be back for another week. Showing up for work once every seven days is a pretty good deal, but not as good as being a Congressman... they only show up once every seven years.

Speaking of Congress, during Thursday's voting for the new House Majority Leader, a second vote had to be taken when it was discovered there were more ballots cast than Republican members. That was because the lobbyists naturally thought they could vote too.

But they did choose a new House Majority Leader, his name is John Boehner from Ohio. He may be casting himself as the opposite of Tom DeLay, but he uses the same three bottles of hairspray every day. Boehner says his first job will be to clean up some of the lobbying scandals. So he's going to replace illegal cash donations with debit card payments.

U.N. Ambassador John Bolton opened his first meeting as head of the Security Council at 10 a.m. sharp Thursday -- but found that no other diplomats showed up. Bolton was a bit flustered, but he was fine after he threw insults and staplers at each of the empty chairs.

Groundhog Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow Thursday morning... that means six more weeks of outbursts at the Saddam Hussein trial.

Britain's Prince Harry will go to Iraq next year as a troop commander and could see action along the hazardous border with Iran. But it won't be so dangerous for him over there if he wears that Nazi uniform.

I see they threw some people out of the State of the Union address for wearing t-shirts. My favorite one was the one that said: "My President invaded Iraq, and all I got is this lousy T-Shirt."

Meanwhile, President Bush used his State of the Union address to urge Americans to reject isolationism... which makes a lot of sense since we'll all soon be working for the Chinese.

Earlier this week, Senator Ted Kennedy's drive to filibuster the Alito confirmation vote failed Monday. Geez, when will the Democrats learn not to let Ted Kennedy drive?

James Frey's literary agent has dropped the author after it was revealed that he fabricated parts of his memoir "A Million Little Pieces." Agents hate it when their clients are better liars than they are.

Did you see that Aymin al Zawahiri mocked President Bush for not being able to find him in Pakistan? Actually, President Bush can't even find Pakistan.

So the experts believe the ratings for this year's Winter Olympics will be weak. That's because if people want to see a bunch of doped-up amateurs competing, they can just watch "American Idol."

Have a nice week everybody. I need to get back up to heaven before Dean Martin beer goggles Wendy Wasserstein.

2006-01-28T04:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it's time for another monologue from heaven.

I see there's a big commotion about this author James Frey making up parts of his bestselling memoir. I guess people would have been a lot more forgiving if Frey had misled them about something less important, like weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

But you know you can always tell when someone's faking an autobiography. When you go to the bookstore those are the books where they make you sign a legal document promising not to sue the publisher before you buy it.

Lots of people are upset about that terrorist group Hamas winning the Palestinian elections. Israeli leaders say they won't be able to negotiate with them, because you can't reason with people bent on your destruction. I guess none of these Israeli politicians has ever dealt with a divorce lawyer.

Of course Hamas won because they made some great promises to the Palestinian people. For one thing, they've already raised the mandatory suicide bombing age from 14 to 21.

Sad note here in Hollywood; actor Chris Penn died in his home this past week. Police are still not sure of the cause of death, but since he was Sean Penn's brother, it's most likely he died of embarrassment.

President Bush spent Wednesday visiting the ultra-secret National Security Agency. He was there to boost the morale of the employees who support him, and get the names of those who don't so he can leak them to Robert Novak.

Now President Bush insists he wasn't breaking the law by authorizing domestic wiretaps because he informed Congressional leaders about it. Actually, members of Congress are the best to people to talk to about breaking the law.

John Kerry's reaction to all this is to attack the White House. He's calling the Bush administration "inept." Yeah, they're so inept, the only thing they can do right is beat John Kerry in an election.

A new judge has been named to preside over the Saddam Hussein trial. The Iraqi government chose a legal expert who can out-argue and out-berate Saddam at every turn: Nancy Grace.

There was some big show business news to talk about; Disney is buying Pixar Animation. Now Pixar founder Steve Jobs says the companies can operate without their previous "boundaries." By boundaries he meant Michael Eisner, and Michael Eisner's ego.

Also in business, Ford Motor Company announced it will lay off 30,000 workers. Sad news. But you know the news is shocking automotive experts who didn't know Ford had 30,000 workers left to lay off.

Evo Morales is the new socialist President of Bolivia. And he has promised to reclaim that nation's natural resources. That's admirable, but are the Bolivian people really ready to take that much cocaine?

A new study says dogs may be able to use their sense of smell to detect cancer in humans... well considering where my dog used to sniff me all the time when I was alive, I guess my dog thought I had colon cancer.

That's all for now folks. I've got to go find a good hiding place before Phyllis Diller gets here.

See you next week!

2006-01-20T08:32:00.000-08:00

My friend Hugh Hewitt was just nice enough to remind me people are still waiting for a decent monologue. Great, and I thought I was safe here in heaven at least until Ed McMahon dies.

All right, I guess I'm game. Have you heard this new tape purportedly from Osama bin Laden? It talks about rising U.S. casualties and how America should pull out of Iraq. The CIA is certain the tape is either the voice of bin Laden or Nancy Pelosi.

You know Osama's latest audio tape is his first recording released in over a year; upsetting record producers who were really hoping to get his new album in stores in time for Christmas.

I hear the Bruin Alumni Association at UCLA is offering students $100 each to supply them tapes and notes exposing professors with left-wing political views. Boy, those guys are going to run out of money faster than I did at my divorce lawyer's office.

I heard some convict in Australia escaped from jail by losing 30 pounds so he could squeeze through a hole he chiseled in a brick wall. His new "Prison Escapee" diet book is expected to be in all the bookstores in Beverly Hills by this summer.

The terrorist Palestinian group Hamas now has its own TV station with shows for kids. I understand the most popular program is "SpongeBob Explosive Pants."

Taking a page out of my book... Walter Cronkite has been dating Joanna Simon, a New York City realtor, who is 20 years his junior. Cronkite is interested in her youth and beauty; Simon is interested in his 3-bedroom apartment.

They say those FBI wire taps of Arab-Americans didn't end up yielding any good information on terrorism. Well, at least the government did find out that most Arabs voted for Clay Aiken.

NASA launched that New Horizons rocket on a 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. It could actually get there faster, but it's going to go real slow to save on gas.

This is funny: A 2 year-old Massachusetts girl received a jury summons this week. It was a terrible mistake; naive 2 year-olds are only eligible to serve on juries in California.

Now this is just scary: Iran has just announced plans to host an international Holocaust conference. They're going to call the forum "A Look Back at the Good Old Days."

There are more women in high office to talk about these days. Michelle Bachelet, a Socialist leader, has become the first woman to be elected president of Chile. The big question now is how long it will take Pat Robertson to call for her assassination.

I got some company here in the celebrities' wing in Heaven this week. Two-time Oscar-winning actress Shelly Winters died this weekend. You know, Winters was a great woman; she donated her first Oscar to the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, and the second one she ate.

Speaking of that, I gotta get out of here before she eats my lunch. See you soon, and thanks Hugh!

2005-03-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well those steroid hearings are underway on Capitol Hill. And you know, I was really shocked, because it looks like Sammy Sosa is using a corked lawyer.

Meanwhile, according to a new survey, 35% of Major League Baseball players believe that records set by players on steroids should be marked with an asterisk. The other 65% actually don't know what an asterisk is.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day to all of you! You know this Saint Patrick's Day is also the first day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament... which means that by tonight, there will only be about 3 sober men in all of America.

I was kind of surprised to see Robert Blake get acquitted yesterday. Prosecutors blame the judge, jury, and the fact that they could never get as much press coverage as the Michael Jackson or Scott Peterson trials.

But you know, Blake's acquittal is actually not entirely good news for the former actor. At least if he were in jail, he'd have a good excuse for not getting any work in Hollywood.

But that Bernie Ebbers did get convicted. And now, CEO's are being scrutinized more than ever. I guess the only place a person can get away with breaking the law and losing billions of dollars nowadays is the White House.

Speaking of Washington, the Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of removing Terry Schiavo's feeding tube, so House Republicans are pushing for a bill to block the procedure. For some reason, those Congressmen really identify with a brain-damaged person who doesn't appear to be able do anything.

Iraq's new democratic national assembly convened for the first time this week. Following American tradition, the representatives immediately voted themselves a pay raise.

President Bush named the Pentagon's war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, to lead the World Bank. Bush says there's no better person to rebuild the world's poorest countries than a guy who helped destroy them in the first place.

Legendary CBS News Anchorman Walter Cronkite's wife died yesterday. Her death came just days after he told CNN he should have replaced her with Bob Schieffer years ago.

Former Baywatch actress Alexandra Paul was arrested at the GM plant in California after leading a protest against the company this week. Fellow cast member Pam Anderson was also at the GM plant that day, but only to have her airbags checked.

From now on, men in Oakland, California, who are caught soliciting prostitutes, will have their pictures placed on bill boards and bus shelters. Usually, you only see pictures of men who solicit prostitutes on election posters.

See you tomorrow folks!"

2005-03-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

"So Michael Jackson was an hour and 40 minutes late to court yesterday. Jackson did say he was sorry, and promised that the next time he's late, he'll at least send R. Kelly as his opening act.

Apparently, Jackson's motorcade had trouble navigating the freeway traffic... I guess that's the last time they let Bubbles drive the limo.

On the stand, Michael Jackson's teenage accuser says he led him to engage in underage drinking, and then coached him on how to talk to TV interviewers. Hey, isn't that how George Bush got started?

The steroid scandal is in the news again. And now Congress is issuing subpoenas to lots of baseball stars because they say they've been waiting too long for the star players to respond. Well, now they know what it's like to be a Mets fan.

Meanwhile after Congress finishes looking into Major League Baseball's alleged condoning of steroid use, they're planning to investigate NASCAR for allowing speeding.

So the folks at Ikea are in trouble. Apparently they being accused of sexism because they only show men putting stuff together in their instruction manuals. Ikea says it's just trying not to offend Muslim customers who may be offended by seeing women doing manual labor. Geez, you can't win... but at least we all know that Ikea's instructions are still totally impossible to understand no matter what your religion, race, sex of nationality!

Harvard Business School is rejecting 119 applicants who hacked into a website to learn whether they were accepted. Harvard barred those applicants from coming to the business school because by hacking a restricted web site and breaking confidentiality rules, it's clear they already know how to succeed in business!

Also in business news, an investment firm is offering $5 billion to buy Toys R Us from its current owners. It would have offered more, but none of the batteries were included.

The Feds say two retired NYPD cops were working as hit men for the mafia while they were still on the force. They were earning $4,000 a month on the mob payroll... but you know, in New York, that's only about $2,000 after taxes.

Two Democratic candidates for Mayor of New York have agreed not to attack each other during the primary campaign, which is only slightly less shocking than their promise not to make fun of Staten Island.

Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice has admitted to scalping some of the 12 tickets to the Super Bowl he got from the NFL. Tice is expected to be punished severely by the league, which could even force him to continue coaching the Minnesota Vikings.

And Wrigley is bringing back the 1960s-era Doublemint Twins in its TV Ads. The gum maker says they'll remind Americans of a more innocent time... which will last until pictures of the twins having sex with each other inevitably surface on the internet.

Have a great weekend everybody!"

2005-03-09T14:31:00.000-08:00

"So it looks like Ed took a bad fall and almost got himself killed at his house the other day. I guess he really fought to stay alive because once he dies and gets up here, you know I'm going to make him kiss my ass again.

It's Dan Rather's final broadcast tonight on the CBS Evening News. I expect nothing but class from Dan... he'll probably say an elegant farewell and then chain himself to the set.

So Congress is about to make it harder to declare bankruptcy from credit card debt. The Republicans say this will teach everyone in America a lesson about responsibility. But you know, if they really wanted to promote responsibility, it might be smart to stop the banks from sending everyone in America 100 credit card offers every month.

But the Democrats don't seem to have too many great ideas either nowadays. And I just read that last night, Senator Ted Kennedy said last week that he would again back John Kerry for President in 2008. But he may have just said that because Kerry was buying him drinks at the time.

They're about to release a new report that says American intelligence about Iran's weapons programs is "inadequate to make reasoned judgments"... and that's just the way the White House likes it.

Over in Britain, a new report says the average cost of taking care of a dog in England is $38,000... but enough about all the money Britain is spending on Camilla's wedding dress.

And finally, CBS is coming out with a new family edition of "The Amazing Race" that will allow children as young as 8 years old to compete. And I understand that on the first episode, each family will face the challenge of racing out of the Neverland Ranch before the kids find their way into the bedroom."

2005-03-08T13:04:00.000-08:00

"So I guess the big news is this accidental shooting of an Italian journalist in Iraq. Some Europeans say the amry deliberately targeted this woman, but the Pentagon is strongly denying that, reminding everyone they only have a directive to shoot CNN journalists.

But seriously, this is something the news organizations here in the States are looking into. Well, except for FOX News, they're just bragging about how great it is that U.S. soldiers can hit a moving target from a few hundred yards away!

Also in Iraq, CNN has just obtained new pictures of the most-wanted terrorist over there, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Well, they actually had the pictures Friday, but they had to show America the more important pictures of Martha Stewart petting her horses first.

Boy the Martha coverage really is getting out of hand. I even hear that the Feds aren't going to give her that ankle bracelet monitor because they can track her every move simply by watching cable news!

But you have to give Martha credit. She's a hard worker. She rushed to her offices yesterday and promised everyone to keep the company stock prices high by committing three felonies a year for the next five fiscal years alone.

Martha isn't the only person making business news. The CEO of Boeing has been ousted for having an affair with another Boeing employee. Apparently in the airline industry, it's only okay to screw your customers.

There's more Social Security stuff in the news. Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel wants to boost the age when retirees can get Social Security benefits from 67 to 68, saying people are living and working longer. But actually, the only people over 68 in America with a decent job are members of the U.S. Senate.

Meanwhile, the Senate voted down a Democratic proposal to raise the minimum wage for the first time since 1996. Republicans say it's hypocritical to improve wages for lower class Americans while they're working so hard to eliminate Social Security benefits for middle class Americans.

Of course, it's not like the Republicans don't offer lots of people a chance to raise themselves out of poverty. In fact, you're always free to call the White House and tell them you're an aspiring right wing radio host.

And finally, Archaeologists have completed their new studies of King Tut's mummy and they say that he probably died of an infection that wasn't treated in time. That's because in ancient times it took even longer to transport those cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.

Speak to you folks tomorrow!"

2005-03-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

"So they let Martha Stewart out of prison last night. I know the feds were supposed to use an ankle bracelet to follow her every movement during her house arrest, but now they can do that just by watching CNN.

Really folks, this wall-to-wall Martha coverage is ridiculous. But I guess the news media is choosing to stick with an easy story like this instead of trying to figure out the whole Social Security thing.

Speaking of that, President Bush isn't giving up on trying to convince Americans his plan to change Social Security will work. He's going to take his fight to the people in the coming weeks. But unless he can find a way to blame the Social Security shortfall on gay marriage, I think he's out of luck.

In other news out of Washington, President Bush named a real scientist, Stephen Johnson to head the EPA. That means he's not only the first professional scientist to head the agency, he's also the first person to run the EPA who wasn't a professional criminal.

And finally, the U.S. economy added an impressive 262,000 jobs in February. But it's only because most of the nation's gas stations now need more help adjusting the prices higher on all those signs.

Have a great weekend folks!"

2005-03-03T13:29:00.000-08:00

"So I see Jay Leno is asking the judge in the Michael Jackson case to tell him if a gag order can stop him from telling jokes about the case on his show. But you know, the only thing really stopping Leno from making jokes about the case is the fact that he's no longer funny.

That millionaire Steve Fossett just completed the first solo around-the-world non-stop flight. He was also the first man to circumnavigate the globe in a hot air balloon. Either he's the gutsiest adventurer around, or he just has the world's largest bladder.

It wasn't all easy for him, though. He had a fuel supply scare at one point during the flight. But luckily he solved that fuel problem by using tail winds, instead of taking the Bush administration's advice to invade Iraq.

Well, we're all getting ready for Martha Stewart to get out of prison. It may happen as early as tomorrow, even though she's not scheduled to be released from prison until Sunday. I guess the other inmates have all suffered enough.

Now when she gets out, she'll still be under house arrest for another 5 months. She won't be able to go on trips or even visit her offices, but she will be able to do the things she enjoys most, like cooking, gardening, and yelling at people over the phone.

So I see the Wichita City Council fired the accused "BTK killer" Dennis Rader from his city job today, not because of the charges against him, but because he's failed to show up for work or call in sick since his arrest. The rest of the nation's serial killers are taking this as a warning to do all their murdering on their own time.

Meanwhile, the accused BTK killer's church is NOT throwing him out or relieving him of his leadership position. The church's pastor says while there's clear evidence Rader tortured and killed several people, he still hasn't done anything really terrible, like support gay marriage.

Good night folks, speak to you tomorrow!"

2005-03-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

"I'm not sure who we have to pay to get people to come to this Web site. But hopefully we can save some time and it'll be the same person we want to pay to keep Chris Rock from hosting the Oscars again!

So the Supreme Court is hearing arguments today on whether it's okay to put the 10 Commandments in government buildings. But I think this case represents a conflict of interest because most of the justices were actually there when the 10 Commandments were first given 4000 years ago.

Of course it's useless to display the 10 Commandments in government buildings because most politicians won't follow the commandment against adultery unless it specifically mentions interns.

Some good news in the Middle East... I think. Syria is promising to withdraw its troops from Lebanon. They just have to figure out what to do with those 30,000 soldiers currently manning the occupation. You know, usually when Syria needs to reduce the size of its armed forces in a hurry, it just declares war on Israel.

So two top officers at Martha Stewart Living have resigned just as Martha is about to get out of prison. You know, the highly-paid executives can afford to quit; the rest of Martha's employees can only prepare for her return by stocking up on helmets and anti-depressants.

Did you know that in the 5 months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company's stock price has almost tripled? I know it seems crazy for a company to do better when its leader is behind bars, but just think how much the U.S. economy would improve if we put President Bush in prison!

Aeronautics entrepreneur Walter Anderson has been charged with cheating his way out of paying a record $200 million in personal income taxes. Experts say Anderson will definitely get prison time, fines, and the Republican party's nomination for President in 2008.

The Justice Department is looking into whether Halliburton executives rigged bids for construction projects by conspiring with other companies. And by 'other companies' I think they mean the White House, the Pentagon, and the Vice President's office.

And finally in sports, critics are demanding that Temple University basketball coach John Chaney resign after he admitted to sending a player into a game just to break an opponent's arm. Chaney may be finished in college basketball, but he has a future as a prison commander in Iraq.

See you tomorrow folks!"

2005-03-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

"Well, I have to say I was touched by that tribute to me at the Oscars. Too bad I had to die before they acknowledged me, but at least I didn't die onstage like Chris Rock!

The nominees for Best Picture included films about a temperamental alcoholic, a billionaire descending into insanity, and a woman trying to make it in a man's game... wait a minute, was that the Oscars or a preview of the 2008 presidential election?

Maybe you saw Best Actor Jamie Foxx saying thank you to his grandmother for whupping him whenever he didn't act right. Most people saw that as an endorsement for corporeal punishment, but I thought it was really a call to beat the Hell out of Ben Affleck.

Now I hear the ratings were down for the broadcast. But that's only because people saw all the ridiculously-dressed celebrities, and they thought it was the Michael Jackson trial.

Yeah, that trial is underway now. In opening statements, prosecutors said Michael Jackson served a 10-year old boy alcohol and showed him gay porn. But Jackson's attorneys say he was only preparing the boy for a career as a right wing White House correspondent.

Now defense attorneys said the mother of Michael Jackson's accuser tried dupe other celebrities into giving her money, including Jay Leno. But cops say the woman gave herself away as a con artist when she told Leno he was funny.

So, while describing the mother's "scam," defense attorney Thomas Mesereau said Michael Jackson simply failed to "smell the ruse" like the other celebrities. And that's true... because Michael Jackson doesn't really have a nose.

More peace talks today. Britain is hosting a one-day international conference aimed at ending Palestinian financial corruption and reducing terror attacks against Israel. Of course, they could do that all in one fell swoop by taking the Palestinian officials' limousines away and making them all ride the bus.

Millionaire pilot Steve Fossett is attempting the first solo non-stop flight around the world today. If successful, he'll also become the first air traveler to actually spend more time on the plane than the security line.

In other news, did you see the police in Kansas celebrating and congratulating themselves for arresting the "BTK" serial killer? And they should be proud. I mean now we know that if murderers send them several letters full of clues for 31 years, and their own daughters turn them in; then there's nobody they can't catch!

They say this BTK guy was a Boy Scout Leader. And they thought they had trouble with the gay ones! But seriously, I mean they should have figure something was wrong when he taught his scouts how to shoot deer, and then how to write taunting letters to the deer's family.

Sanitation workers and cops are overwhelmed again today as New York is digging out from another snow storm. You don't usually see this many debilitated city employees in March unless it's St. Patrick's Day.

And finally in sports, the Baseball Hall of Fame may not induct players implicated in the recent steroid scandals. But don't worry, there is still a place where people who used drugs to achieve their greatness are always honored... it's called the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame."

2005-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, it's almost Oscar time. Even here in Heaven, it's going to be hard to watch someone else host the award ceremony. You'd think being dead would disqualify a person from being there, but judging by the way Joan Rivers looks these days, I'm not so sure.

So the odds-makers are all split over who should be favored to win most of Sunday night's Academy Awards. But the experts all agree the Best Actor Oscar should go to new host Chris Rock, for pretending to be interested in the Academy Awards.

Good news from the Vatican... the Pope is doing better. But after his surgery, the Pope's doctors are ordering him not to speak for a few days. So of course, President Bush is wondering if he can get treated by those same doctors.

The latest reports from Washington say the economy grew at an unexpectedly strong rate at the end of last year. The government says the spending numbers soared because of more factory orders, employee hiring, and Michael Jackson's decision to pay some of his legal bills.

Have you seen this new right-wing ad campaign accusing the AARP of being in favor of gay marriage? You know, the AARP says they don't but it's just that most of its members are too old to tell the difference between men and women.

Well, it's pretty obvious the Olympic Evaluation Commission has left, because New Yorkers are beginning to see more of the City's embarrassing sites... like criminals, homeless people, and the Knicks.

And finally, U2 lead singer Bono is being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize. Experts say it's because the only thing the entire world agrees about these days is that Bono's last three albums really stunk.

That's about it for today folks. The odds are in favor of "The Aviator" getting Best Picture, unless you count that stuff they downloaded off of Paris Hilton's cell phone. See you Tuesday!"

2005-02-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, we're all on our best behavior here in Heaven because they say the Pope may be coming soon. It would be a bit sad at first, but then it would be fun to hear him blasting his successor all the time!

So President Bush met with Russian leader Vladimir Putin today. The Russian people don't really understand President Bush... not because of the war in Iraq, but because he quit drinking.

Meanwhile, here at home, Republican Senators and Congressmen are going on the road to sell President Bush's Social Security plan. You know, I think those trips really are the best thing for the future of the program, because now the politicians are too busy to steal money from Social Security.

There's a new study that says America's tab for health care will hit $3.6 trillion by 2014... and that's not even counting all the plastic surgeries Joan Rivers is going to have!

So they finally got a jury seated in the Michael Jackson trial. And I have a feeling this group could be very favorable to him. That's because four of them are fans of his music, one of them has a grandson who was convicted of a sexual offense, and five of them don't actually scream in horror whenever they see his face.

Actress Carmen Electra is going around the country saying that losing her virginity in the back seat of a car in Cincinnati when she was 16 was "not glamorous." But it's not clear if she's saying that to promote teen abstinence or to warn people about Cincinnati.

And I see that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's poll numbers have been slipping... but it's not clear if it's because of California's economic woes or the release of "Terminator 3" on DVD.

Allright that's all for now. Excuse me while I go give Linda Lovelace an 'emergency tracheotomy' of my own... know what I mean?"

2005-02-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I've actually had a very unpeaceful few days here in Heaven lately. I thought that after I died, nobody would get the personal phone number I gave Paris Hilton.

So it looks like Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are going to have a civil marriage ceremony instead of a religious wedding where they would be married in the "eyes of God." But that's okay because Charles and Camilla are so ugly even God doesn't want to look at them.

Now there's a big deal over the fact that Queen Elizabeth isn't going to the ceremony. I think it's just because the Yankees-Red Sox game is on satellite that day.

There's a new survey of corporate executives that names Dell Computer as the most admired company in America. Business people love Dell's management philosophy, productivity, and how it showed them all how easy it is to ship all the good jobs to India.

And finally, the National Institutes of Health has cleared 80% of its doctors who were suspected of secret deals with pharmaceutical companies. It turns out the researchers couldn't have made any hidden agreements with the drug companies because they already had secret deals with the insurance companies.

2005-02-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I hope you all had a nice long weekend. I enjoyed the extra time off from Ed... but I had to die to avoid getting all of his damn sweepstakes mailings every day!

So I see Ibrahim al-Jaafari emerged today as the leading candidate for Iraqi prime minister. Al-Jaafari, geez wasn't he the bad guy from "Aladdin."

Now Britain's navy has begun a campaign to actively recruit gays... which is kind of funny because most of Britain's gays are already enlisted in the navy.

New York City is pulling out all the stops to get the 2012 Summer Games. I guess they can advertise the city to foreigners by reminding them that nobody in New York speaks English either!

Bad news for the economy as the Winn-Dixie supermarket chain filed for bankruptcy today. I guess failure is what you can expect when you just don't stop supporting the Confederacy.

5 U.S. Senators, including Hillary Clinton are visiting Iraq on a fact-finding mission this week. It's a dangerous trip, because exposing the Iraqi people to members of Congress could derail the fledging democracy before it starts.

More of the major airlines are phasing out those discounted fares they give to close relatives of the dead and dying. It's too bad, because saying 'My Aunt Martha Died' was the best damn way for college kids to get to Florida for spring break!

So the United States continues to pressure Iran to drop its nuclear weapons program, and many are asking why no one is forcing Israel to give up its nukes. Of course, the reason is all of Israel's enemies already look like they've been hit by a nuclear bomb anyway.

In Europe President Bush is praising NATO as a strong military entity. The alliance is well-equipped, well-fed, and thanks to all of Bush's unilateral wars, it's pretty well-rested too!

And finally, the disco floor that John Travolta danced across in "Saturday Night Fever" has been saved from a doomed Brooklyn nightclub and will be auctioned off. The bell-bottoms he wore are already being used as the wind socks at JFK Airport.

See you tomorrow folks. It's time for my nightly argument with Jack Paar about who was a better host."

2005-02-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I'm looking forward to the weekend here in Heaven. Not only do I get to play golf, but my caddy is one of my ex-wife's divorce lawyers!

So, President Bush says he doesn't know if Syria was involved in the assassination of Lebanon's former Prime Minister. But he promised to withhold judgment until he knows what the facts are, and finds out whether there are any Halliburton executives working in Syria.

I have some good news in the world of international politics to tell you about. After more than a year of talks, India and Pakistan have finally agreed to start a peaceful and safe bus route to and from Kashmir. Now maybe India and Pakistan can start a safe and peaceful taxi route to LaGuardia.

So PBS president Pat Mitchell is resigning. They say she was forced out because there was a children's show with a lesbian couple in it. Sounds possible, but I think the real reason she quit is she didn't want to go through another rough contract negotiation with all of Elmo's lawyers again!

Birdwatchers in New York say the famous 5th Avenue red-tailed hawks, Pale Male and Lola, have been mating every day, five times a day, for five seconds at a time. Most nature experts are impressed that the birds are able to copulate in an urban setting, and most women are impressed that the male hawk is lasting 2 seconds longer than their husbands.

In sports, we had bad news this week. The National Hockey League became the first major sports league in North America to lose an entire season because of a labor disagreement. That's opposed to the New York Rangers, who lost all of the last seven seasons because they stink.

A Manhattan dominatrix named Scarlett Constance LeMay is being sued by a former nanny who says she was abused and underpaid. LeMay denies any wrongdoing, especially since when she abuses people, they usually pay HER.

And finally, Canadian singer Alanis Morissette officially became an U.S. citizen this week... once again proving that NAFTA has failed to protect the American people.

Have a great weekend folks. See you on Tuesday!"

2005-02-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Welcome back to my posthumous monologue Web site. Well, I say posthumous because I officially died a few weeks ago, but judging by the traffic on this site, you can definitely die more than once.

So they canceled the whole hockey season yesterday. But the good news is the
NHL will still try to have a season next year... they just need to settle the salary cap issue and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about hockey.

And I have more cancellation news to tell you about. Jennifer Lopez is nixing her European concert tour because she's too sick to leave Los Angeles. To get back on stage, J. Lo will have to fully recover... and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about J. Lo.

So, President Bush has nominated John Negroponte as the new Intelligence Chief Nominee. I understand he's getting to work right away and digging up dirt on any Senators who may not vote to confirm him. Oh, and he's also preparing for the next terrorist attack by setting up an early-warning system that can convene hearings on Capitol Hill in a moment's notice.

The New York Archdiocese has announced it's closing more Catholic schools. It's getting so bad, soon the only place kids will get molested is the Neverland Ranch.

The folks running Janis Joplin's estate have announced a new reality TV talent search to find the next Janis Joplin. All potential contestants are advised to start drinking now.

And finally, remember that pair of hawks who were evicted from and then brought back to a ritzy Fifth Avenue apartment building last year? Well, now they have been spotted mating. So I guess this means the building's co-op board caved in to their demands for family health insurance before they agreed to return.

That's all for me tonight folks. I have to get my raincoat because I'm sitting in the front row of the Marlon Brando vs. Orson Welles eating contest later this evening."

2005-02-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, I see we had a grand total of 2 visitors to this site yesterday... but that means I'm still more relevent than Ralph Nader.

So Michael Jackson got sick yesterday and was taken to the emergency room. You know, his lawyers were hoping the incident would make the jury feel sorry for Jackson, until it came out that Jackson kept demanding to be taken to the children's hospital. Yeow!

So the latest test of the national ballistic missile defense system failed again The Interceptor Missile did not come out of its silo and recognize its target... but at least this means we'll have an early spring!

I see the Pentagon is thinking about replacing human soldiers with robots. Now this isn't because they fight any better, it's just that they say robots are 22% less likely to be gay.

Real weird story from New Jersey to tell you about... A man there claims the penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because the folks at the company thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis.

In New York, "S" trains on the subway will soon be redecorated to look like western saloons to promote the new season of HBO's "Deadwood." There will be wood-paneled seats and faux cushions, but riders will probably still use the floor as a spittoon.

More news in that teacher-student wedding. Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, Vili Fualaau, have signed up with Macy's online bridal registry. Mary Kay's list asks for a floral pattern bedding set, but Vili is asking for the "Star Wars" pattern.

And finally, a new report says most local TV news programs have abandoned all coverage of local politics and issues in favor of more celebrity stories and gossip. But luckily for us, all the frivolous celebrities out there are starting to run for office.

Hey, that's all the time I have for now. I'm late to watch the Judy Garland-Janis Joplin drinking contest. I predict overtime."

2005-02-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, it was another wild weekend here in Heaven. Plenty of crazy antics, booze and none of the guilt... kind of what it's like to work in Congress these days.

So I see Michael Jackson's lawyers are putting several famous names on their witness list, like Liz Taylor, Corey Feldman, and Kobe Bryant. I guess the strategy is to bring so many screwed up celebrities into the courtroom, the jury will eventually think Michael Jackson is almost normal.

Former slugger Jose Canseco is causing a big ruckus with his new book. Apparently he accuses every Major League team of using steroids... except the Mets; he says they used Altoids.

Canseco even accused President Bush of knowing about the steroid use when he owned the Texas Rangers. He didn't stop the players from using the drug, he just wouldn't allow them to buy those cheaper steroids from Canada.

That crazy school teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau, is actually going to marry the former elementary school student she started having sex with when he was just 12. Letourneau says she's doing it because she truly loves him, and the kid is going along with it just so he can finally get an "A" in fractions.

A programming note for my former bosses at NBC: actress Hillary Swank will host "Saturday Night Live" this weekend. That's after Paris Hilton hosted the show last weekend. Too bad Hilton doesn't have some of Swank's talent, elegance, or a role in a movie where we get to see someone beat her senseless.

So the Salvation Army is still looking for the person who dropped an engagement ring worth $400 in one of its kettles during the holidays. Here's a tip for them: any guy who bought an engagement ring worth $400 is probably still single.

It was nice to see Ray Charles win 8 Grammys for his final album. But the music industry's decision to give Charles those honors after his death doesn't make up for its decision to give Ashlee Simpson a recording contract before she can sing.

Well, I'm going to sign off now. It's going to be a fun night here in Heaven, because FDR and Barry Goldwater are going to have a mud wrestling match. I don't want to miss that!"

2005-02-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, we've completed another week here. We're winning over a few loyal readers every day... but at this rate I won't have a decent-sized audience until Jake's as old as Freddy DeCordova!

So I see North Korea says it has the bomb. And I guess that's forcing the world to ask some tough questions. The U.S. is wondering if it can destroy the arsenal, the UN is wondering if it can use diplomacy to neutralize the situation, and most of the North Korean people are wondering if they'll ever be able to have something to eat besides dirt.

So Prince Charles and Camilla are working hard to get ready for their wedding. You know, the only thing they should pay attention to is making sure Prince Harry doesn't dress himself!

So now that she's been ousted as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, reports say Carly Fiorina may get into politics. But after cutting thousands of jobs, depressing the stock market, and failing her supporters, Fiorina is probably too overqualified to work for the Bush administration.

Also in politics, Republicans and Democrats in the House introduced a bill to stop Medicare from covering Viagra. Because they say taxpayers should not pick up the bill for sexual activities. That's funny, because I think we've been picking up the bill for all of Congress' sexual activities for decades.

And the Senate has approved a bill that will make it harder for trial attorneys to file class action lawsuits. That's too bad, because filing class action lawsuits is the only time most lawyers have any class.

So, I just read that auto insurance rates are expected to rise 1.5% this year. That's the smallest increase since 2001. It's all because of fewer car thefts, safer vehicles, and the fact that Billy Joel now has a chauffeur.

And in show business, Paris Hilton will play "I Dream of Jeannie" star Barbara Eden in the March 16 episode of "American Dreams." All of America is hoping she'll learn something from that role... like how to make herself disappear.

Hey, it's time for me to disappear now. I'll speak to you again on Tuesday folks. Until then, I'll be drinking Mai Tais with Judy Garland and Joan Crawford... I may be the only straight man in Heaven who actually wants to do that!"

2005-02-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Thanks again for joining me. This Web site remains so hard to find, we haven't even received any annoying sweepstakes mailings from Ed McMahon!

I see Prince Charles has announced he'll marry long-time girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles in April. Those two aren't that easy on the eyes anymore. In fact, it'll be the first royal event the paparazzi really won't want to photograph.

Back in the Middle East, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Iran has to move quickly to end its nuclear weapons program. But she added the U.S. has no deadline for Tehran to act. In other words, Iran shouldn't worry until President Bush's approval ratings dip below 50% again

I see the Supreme Court has shut down the barber-shop where the justices have had their hair cut since 1935. It's being replaced with a new facility where the judges can conveniently get their dialysis, chemotherapy, and arthritis therapy.

Donald Trump could be in trouble soon. A St. Louis man with paralysis is suing the producers of "The Apprentice," saying they are unfairly discriminating against would-be contestants with disabilities. But the show actually intends to make up for that by continuing to cast people with mental disabilities.

I see "Desperate Housewives" star Marcia Cross is denying rumors that she is secretly a lesbian. I've actually seen that show... she should also deny rumors that she is secretly an actress.

And finally, have you heard the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is suing three men who are establishing the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The suit says the public could confuse the two. I think this lawsuit is an example of legal abuse, but it's also proof that these men should first build the Jewish Lawyers Hall of Fame.

That's all for today folks... I'm going to try to get a quick visit to the barber's before Dick Nixon comes in for one of his hourly shaves."

2005-02-09T07:55:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Hello again everybody. It was a great night here in Heaven, because we decided to stage our own version of 'American Idol.' It was great to hear Sinatra, Dean Martin, Elvis, etc. But the judging part just wasn't the same because there's nobody here in Heaven as nasty as that Simon Cowell guy.

Well, I see the most powerful woman in business is out of a job. Carly Fiorina finally gave in to the pressure and stepped down at Hewlett-Packard. Although, I actually heard the real reason she quit is she couldn't take waiting for all those paper jams in her office's HP printers to get fixed.

Very weird and wacky story coming out of Washington this week. People say that during this past Sunday's church services, President Bush gave his wife a kiss, then patted her on the behind before shaking hands with all his fellow worshippers. You know that's a total reversal from President Clinton's policy, because he used to shake hands with Hillary and then start kissing and patting all his fellow worshippers on the behind.

Remember when I used to host the Academy Awards? That was always fun. And I see
that under a new deal with the Academy, ABC will broadcast the Academy Awards through 2014. Oh no, wait... that's just when this year's Oscar broadcast will finally be over.

So, work has begun on a massive public art project in New York City, where 7,500 bright orange gates will be set up throughout Central Park. Of course, most park users won't care what color they are as long as they can pee on them.

Also out of Washington several news organizations are reporting that the mysterious Watergate figure "Deep Throat," who helped bring down President Richard Nixon, is near death. But you know a lot of young folks are confused by this story, because they logically assume "Deep Throat" was responsible for Bill Clinton's downfall.

And in sports, baseball stars Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, and Rafael Palmeiro are all denying Jose Canseco's claims that they shared steroids with him. You know, those denials make sense... everyone knows those guys never share!

That's all for me today. Speaking of baseball, I'm going to if Shoeless Joe Jackson is back from playing in that guy's cornfield in Iowa."

2005-02-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I want to start again by thanking all of you for your huge support. Now I know what it's like to work for Ralph Nader.

So the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl again. Boy, it's been a great year for Boston. The Red Sox won the World Series, the Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four years... you know, Boston fans are getting so used to this, they may not even start a riot tonight.

With all this happening, you might think Boston has completely shed its image as a "loser" town. But you know, that can't really happen as long as John Kerry and Michael Dukakis keep living there.

I give a lot of credit to the Philadelphia Eagles. They kept it close. And even though he recently broke his leg, Philadelphia wide receiver Terrell Owens had a great game. Owens says God healed him in time for the game... which is good because now he can get back to all the frivolous things he does like helping AIDS, cancer, and tsunami victims.

Lots of surprises in President Bush's new budget. The whole thing calls for $2.5 trillion in spending.... and that's not even including the $12 billion they have to set aside to import cheaper prescription drugs just for Dick Cheney.

Oh, that offended you, huh? Well, keep it up and I'll put itching powder in your Ben Gay!

President Bush is still pushing his Social Security privatization program, trying to convince the elderly to go along with it. He even took his fight to the radio this weekend, which was a brilliant move... not because he said anything new, but because he disguised his voice to sound like Paul Harvey.

The Pope is getting better, and that's good news. But you know, he's really thinking about retirement. Apparently, the only thing holding him back is that if he leaves the Papacy, he'll lose his season tickets to Notre Dame.

It looks like there's some progress in the peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians. Apparently Sharon and Abbas really hit it off by telling each other all their favorite Suha Arafat jokes.

Some embarrassing news from Iraq this week. A female National Guard soldier has been punished for indecent exposure after competing in a mud-wrestling party in Iraq. The Pentagon says the woman has been reprimanded, demoted, and selected as the perfect new commander of the Abu Ghraib prison.

It was a big weekend in Ethiopia as Rastafarians from around the world joined tens of thousands of Ethiopians at a concert marking the 60th anniversary of reggae legend Bob Marley's birth. It was the most incense ever burned in one place since last year's freshman orientation at U.C. Berkeley.

And finally, some bad news in the world of science. It turns out NASA doesn't have enough money to keep the Hubble Telescope operational. But you know, astronomers at the space agency could probably just cut back on the telescope's workload, and stop using it to spy on girls.

That's all for today folks... I have a deposition to get to. Yep, the lawyers run things up here too."

2005-02-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Thanks for joining me again before the big Super Bowl weekend. You know, in Heaven, watching sporting events is a mixed bag. The angels can't say who is going to win beforehand, but they do let us know which players are taking the most steroids.

There's been a lot of talk about Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens up here. Owens says God healed him in time to play in the big game. But I spoke to God yesterday, and he's still taking the Patriots and laying 8 points.

So now we know a lot more about the funny business in that "UN Oil for Food" program... $64 billion and most of it went to pay New York City parking tickets. I guess we should have known something was up when they admitted all the food was being made by Martha Stewart.

Feel free to laugh anytime here, folks... now that I'm dead, I really do have all night.

I see Leona Helmsley is saying her late husband Harry is speaking to her through her dog. Actually that's true. In fact, Harry told me that after living with Leona for all those years, he learned how to speak Bitch.

That's right, I can say "Bitch" up here. If I had used language like that when my show was on, NBC would have demoted me to a recurring character on "Punky Brewster."

That Michael Jackson trial is still in the jury selection process. Potential jurors are being asked if they've ever had experiences with inappropriate sexual behavior, cancer, lawsuits and people of different races. But to be really fair, they should also be asked if they've ever seen a ghost, space alien, or more than 10 episodes of "The Swan."

So they're planning a new exhibit at the anti-evolution "Creation Museum" explaining how Tyrannosaurus Rex existed at the time of Adam and Eve and was created by the "terror that Adam's sin unleashed." I understand another exhibit explains that Dodo birds went extinct because they were all gay.

Talk about a sweet deal... a Manhattan woman is going to court to keep the lease to her $100 a year rental apartment, which would normally rent for $3500 a month. And now that the rest of New York City knows about her rent situation, the woman should also go to court to get police protection.

So UPN is canceling that "Star Trek: Enterprise" show. Yeah that means it'll be the first time in 18 years that there will be no new Star Trek shows on TV. So Star Trek fans will now have to watch re-runs, which I understand is something they are not at all familiar with or comfortable doing in any way.

Well, I'm going to call it a week folks. If you think you're going to a good Super Bowl party, I'm going to watch the Super Bowl with Vince Lombardi!"

2005-02-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Thanks again for coming to this Web site. I don't want to say I'm disappointed in the number of hits we're getting, but apparently there are fewer people reading this thing than Burbank residents who stay up past 10 PM!

Wow! You know, it got a lot more crowded up here in Heaven last night. I guess it could be the flu bug going around, but I think it may have had something to do with President Bush giving another speech on national television.

I know the President has been getting a lot of criticism for his Social Security plans. He wants people to invest some of their retirement money on Wall Street. Let me say just one thing in his defense folks: Take it from me, when you get too old for sex, worrying about the market will be your only excitement! Oh, and another good thing about this is that if you invest all your money in Starbuck's now, maybe they'll give you a job there when you're 80!

Boy my old network has really hit bottom. NBC says Martha Stewart will star in a new version of "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump as executive producer. I haven't seen that many crooks and phonies in one place since the Nixon administration. Although I can't wait to see what it's like when Martha orders a bunch of poor saps to knit Donald some better hair. And while they're at it, maybe they'll come up with a way Martha can skip out on that house-arrest ankle bracelet monitor.

I hear the Super Bowl host city of Jacksonville, Florida is dealing with some major crowding this week. You know hotel rooms are so scarce that Bernie Kerik is only able to bring half his mistresses.

So I see the UN has named Bill Clinton the Special Envoy for Tsunami relief. They're hoping he'll be able to convince countries to stick with reconstruction efforts even when media interest dies down. I guess Clinton is the perfect choice, since he's stuck with Hillary even though he lost interest in her long ago.

More good news from the Middle East. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas have accepted an invitation for a summit next week at an Egyptian resort. Well, Abbas has accepted an invitation to a summit, Sharon has accepted an invitation to the resort's "all you can eat" buffet.

Well, I've got to go to lunch now. I've just learned the best way to get larger portions in the cafeteria in Heaven is to get in line behind Karen Carpenter. See you tomorrow!"

2005-02-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"It's good to be back with you again today. I have to say, Heaven hasn't felt all that different from Earth these last few days. That's because all the old folks up here are upset about Social Security too!

You know President Bush is trying to privatize Social Security, and that's scaring lots of seniors. But I've always thought that if he really wanted to frighten the elderly, the President could impose heavy FCC fines on Paul Harvey.

You probably saw that the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. That's bad news for most of the country, because it means at least six more weeks of jury selection in the Michael Jackson trial.

Now we have more info on why Hillary Clinton collapsed during a speech on Monday. Her doctors say dehydration was to blame. Gee, you'd think she would have learned from Bill how much trouble you can get into in politics when you lose fluids!

Well, even though the elections went well, insurgent groups in Iraq say they're going to launch a "jihad" to stifle the U.S.-orchestrated democracy there. But you know the best way to stifle an American-style democracy isn't terrorism... you just have to hire lots of high-priced lobbyists.

Some of America's critics seem to be coming around, though. French President Jacques Chirac called President Bush to congratulate him on the Iraq elections. But you know, now that the French are praising U.S. policy there, we're ordering a full withdrawal.

Actually we can't expect to leave Iraq anytime soon. In fact, Iraq's President Ghazi al-Yawer says it would be "complete nonsense" to ask U.S. troops to leave the country now. That's especially since we still need to perfect that naked Iraqi prisoner pyramid routine in time for next year's Super Bowl halftime show.

Interesting story today from the world of science, it turns out that the region of the brain that inhibits risky behavior is not fully formed until age 25. I guess that explains why so many 10-year olds still think it's okay to visit the Neverland Ranch.

That's all I have for you folks today. I don't want to miss the look of Ronald Reagan's face when they tell him that Ron Jr. spoke at the Democratic convention!"

2005-02-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I've wrapped up my first week here in Heaven, and it's starting to feel a lot more like home. In fact, I think I'm closer to home than I first thought, because I can still smell the alcohol on Ed's breath.

I'm really glad those elections in Iraq seem to have gone pretty smoothly. It's always nice to see a dictatorship pull off a clean transition to democracy... it kind of gives me hope we'll be able to do that here in America real soon too.

The big news in California is the Michael Jackson trial getting underway. You know, Jackson's lawyers are already upset because the judge in the case is allowing sexually explicit materials to be used as evidence. But I'm not sure which will be more damaging to the defense -- letting the jury see that evidence, or letting the jury see Michael Jackson.

Now they keep bringing in hundreds of potential jurors to the courtroom. I don't know about you folks, but I wouldn't want to be trapped in that case for months. I have heard some good excuses from potential jurors. Apparently a lot of them are claiming to have a conflict of interest because they studying to be plastic surgeons or morticians.

We had a nice little story this past weekend. The tiny town of Mink, Louisiana became the last rural area in the U.S. to finally receive phone service. So I guess that means telemarketers have about 3 days to bombard those poor people before they can get themselves on the "Do Not Call Registry."

Kind of a nice story to tell you about from the world of sports. NBA star Carmelo Anthony is going to be one of the leaders of a new national anti-violence effort. But that means the first thing he has to do is quit the NBA.

I'm off now to meet up with some old friends, Rodney Dangerfield and I are going to have a few laughs over that idiot at CNN last weekend who thought he was still alive."

2005-01-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I'm glad I'm getting this chance to keep doing the monologue even after I'm dead. This kid Jake Novak is doing a nice job. But he's a little too eager to help sometimes. He kind of reminds me of what Ed was like before he deluded himself into believing he actually had talent.

I'm glad more of you are checking this Web site out every day. But we're still getting less traffic than Angelina Jolie's bedroom... and that's on a slow night.

I see the government is trying to enlist truck drivers in the battle against terrorism. That ought to be a great idea. I'm sure the truckers will alert the Department of Homeland Security every time they hear someone speaking Arabic on their CB radios.

Maybe we're going to have some good news in the Middle East for a change. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon actually says he's impressed with Mahmoud Abbas' efforts to confiscate weapons and secure the border. Now I guess all Sharon wants to see from the Palestinians before starting serious peace talks is a really nice buffet in the conference room.

Not such good news from Iraq though. There's lots of violence before that election there on Sunday. Apparently, the biggest problem is the terrorists are ignoring those signs that say: "No suicide car-bombing within 500 feet of a polling place."

There's a big business story in the news today. Procter and Gamble is merging with Gillette, making one of the world's most valuable corporations in sales of tooth paste, deodorant and shaving razors. Now just imagine how big that company would be if Europeans actually used some of those products!

I hope you're looking forward to your weekend. I have to say being in Heaven is mostly great, but the weekend's are even better... that's when God looks the other and let's us bring all the chicks up from Hell to spice up the parties. Usually they're hot stuff, but last week someone invited Susan Sontag by accident. Check please! See you Tuesday."

2005-01-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's Second Posthumous Monologue
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I hope everyone is getting used to my post-mortem monologues... and judging by the amount of hits so far on this Web site, most of you liked it better when I wasn't talking. Just remember, even after several days of rigor mortis, I'm still funnier and look more natural than Joan Rivers.

I'll be delivering these monologues on the same schedule I kept on the Tonight Show; Tuesday through Friday, with the weekends and Mondays off to relax, play golf, and write dozens of alimony checks.

Heaven is still nice but very quiet most of the time. I'm not saying it's boring, but I'm rethinking that invitation to dinner at Tommy Newsom's house.

Down on Earth, I see President Bush is announcing a record $427 billion deficit for this year. It's kind of an outrage, because I understand they're blowing most of the money on an investigation to see if Spongebob Squarepants is really gay.

There's lots of sports news these days. I see the Florida Marlins beat out the Mets and signed star outfielder Carlos Delgado. I guess Delgado decided against playing in front of lots of angry and cranky New Yorkers, and wanted to play in front of lots of angry and cranky retired New Yorkers.

The Philadelphia Eagles are still not giving star wide receiver Terrell Owens the go-ahead to play in the Super Bowl. Not because of his leg injury, but because no one can guarantee he won't rip off some woman's bustier during the halftime show.

So Donald Trump got married again. I think his new bride's name is Melania Knauss. Well, the whole thing didn't cost him so much because in return for the publicity, he received several deals on all the expensive items. Graff jewelers gave him the engagement ring for half price, Christian Dior discounted the cost of the wedding dress, and attorney Raul Felder is charging him reduced rates to file the divorce papers next month.

Well, that's all the time I have for now. If I hurry, I won't be late for my cloud flying lesson with Jerry Garcia. I understand he was an expert on that even before he died, so this should be good."

2005-01-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

Johnny Carson's First Posthumous Monologue
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, first I wanted to thank the news media for all the kind words that have been said about me and my career over the last few days. I haven't seen such sucking up since I spent a weekend in one of Bernie Kerik's secret apartments.

A number of you are probably wondering why I stayed out of the public eye after I retired. Well, with the weather disasters we kept having in California, I figured I'd better stay inside. Oh, you didn't like that one, huh? And they say you can't hurt a ghost's feelings.

My time in Heaven has been pretty good so far. But I have to say, when I got here I thought I may have gone to the wrong place because the first person I saw was one of my ex-wife's divorce lawyers!

The angels are being so nice; answering all the age-old questions for me like: "Is there a God?" "Who killed Kennedy?" and "How the Hell is Jay Leno getting such good ratings?"

You know, my passing marks the end of era. I was the last of the old-time radio comics to break into TV. The last of the clean comedians to make it big. And the last reason why anybody had to pretend to respect Doc Severinsen.

Now I know a lot of you are wondering what I would say about all the huge events that have happened since I retired; the Monica Lewinsky scandal, 9/11, the fact that Ed McMahon found some 29-year old to marry him. I know these events have divided and angered the nation, but I can tell you there is a solution: blame the French.

But seriously folks, I hope people will learn something from the circumstances of my death. I was a heavy smoker for many years, and that can keep you from leading a healthy long life, playing sports, and getting into any decent bar and restaurant in Los Angeles.

In closing, I'd like to remind all of you that comedy is not dead. So stay up late and watch David Letterman, go to a comedy club, or re-read the transcript of President Bush's latest press conference... whatever you do, just try and laugh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to grab some lunch before Orson Welles hogs all the egg salad at the buffet again."