Johnny Carson's Second Posthumous Monologue
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner



"I hope everyone is getting used to my post-mortem monologues... and judging by the amount of hits so far on this Web site, most of you liked it better when I wasn't talking. Just remember, even after several days of rigor mortis, I'm still funnier and look more natural than Joan Rivers.

I'll be delivering these monologues on the same schedule I kept on the Tonight Show; Tuesday through Friday, with the weekends and Mondays off to relax, play golf, and write dozens of alimony checks.

Heaven is still nice but very quiet most of the time. I'm not saying it's boring, but I'm rethinking that invitation to dinner at Tommy Newsom's house.

Down on Earth, I see President Bush is announcing a record $427 billion deficit for this year. It's kind of an outrage, because I understand they're blowing most of the money on an investigation to see if Spongebob Squarepants is really gay.

There's lots of sports news these days. I see the Florida Marlins beat out the Mets and signed star outfielder Carlos Delgado. I guess Delgado decided against playing in front of lots of angry and cranky New Yorkers, and wanted to play in front of lots of angry and cranky retired New Yorkers.

The Philadelphia Eagles are still not giving star wide receiver Terrell Owens the go-ahead to play in the Super Bowl. Not because of his leg injury, but because no one can guarantee he won't rip off some woman's bustier during the halftime show.

So Donald Trump got married again. I think his new bride's name is Melania Knauss. Well, the whole thing didn't cost him so much because in return for the publicity, he received several deals on all the expensive items. Graff jewelers gave him the engagement ring for half price, Christian Dior discounted the cost of the wedding dress, and attorney Raul Felder is charging him reduced rates to file the divorce papers next month.

Well, that's all the time I have for now. If I hurry, I won't be late for my cloud flying lesson with Jerry Garcia. I understand he was an expert on that even before he died, so this should be good."