Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"I'm glad I'm getting this chance to keep doing the monologue even after I'm dead. This kid Jake Novak is doing a nice job. But he's a little too eager to help sometimes. He kind of reminds me of what Ed was like before he deluded himself into believing he actually had talent.

I'm glad more of you are checking this Web site out every day. But we're still getting less traffic than Angelina Jolie's bedroom... and that's on a slow night.

I see the government is trying to enlist truck drivers in the battle against terrorism. That ought to be a great idea. I'm sure the truckers will alert the Department of Homeland Security every time they hear someone speaking Arabic on their CB radios.

Maybe we're going to have some good news in the Middle East for a change. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon actually says he's impressed with Mahmoud Abbas' efforts to confiscate weapons and secure the border. Now I guess all Sharon wants to see from the Palestinians before starting serious peace talks is a really nice buffet in the conference room.

Not such good news from Iraq though. There's lots of violence before that election there on Sunday. Apparently, the biggest problem is the terrorists are ignoring those signs that say: "No suicide car-bombing within 500 feet of a polling place."

There's a big business story in the news today. Procter and Gamble is merging with Gillette, making one of the world's most valuable corporations in sales of tooth paste, deodorant and shaving razors. Now just imagine how big that company would be if Europeans actually used some of those products!

I hope you're looking forward to your weekend. I have to say being in Heaven is mostly great, but the weekend's are even better... that's when God looks the other and let's us bring all the chicks up from Hell to spice up the parties. Usually they're hot stuff, but last week someone invited Susan Sontag by accident. Check please! See you Tuesday."