Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"I've wrapped up my first week here in Heaven, and it's starting to feel a lot more like home. In fact, I think I'm closer to home than I first thought, because I can still smell the alcohol on Ed's breath.

I'm really glad those elections in Iraq seem to have gone pretty smoothly. It's always nice to see a dictatorship pull off a clean transition to democracy... it kind of gives me hope we'll be able to do that here in America real soon too.

The big news in California is the Michael Jackson trial getting underway. You know, Jackson's lawyers are already upset because the judge in the case is allowing sexually explicit materials to be used as evidence. But I'm not sure which will be more damaging to the defense -- letting the jury see that evidence, or letting the jury see Michael Jackson.

Now they keep bringing in hundreds of potential jurors to the courtroom. I don't know about you folks, but I wouldn't want to be trapped in that case for months. I have heard some good excuses from potential jurors. Apparently a lot of them are claiming to have a conflict of interest because they studying to be plastic surgeons or morticians.

We had a nice little story this past weekend. The tiny town of Mink, Louisiana became the last rural area in the U.S. to finally receive phone service. So I guess that means telemarketers have about 3 days to bombard those poor people before they can get themselves on the "Do Not Call Registry."

Kind of a nice story to tell you about from the world of sports. NBA star Carmelo Anthony is going to be one of the leaders of a new national anti-violence effort. But that means the first thing he has to do is quit the NBA.

I'm off now to meet up with some old friends, Rodney Dangerfield and I are going to have a few laughs over that idiot at CNN last weekend who thought he was still alive."