Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"It's good to be back with you again today. I have to say, Heaven hasn't felt all that different from Earth these last few days. That's because all the old folks up here are upset about Social Security too!

You know President Bush is trying to privatize Social Security, and that's scaring lots of seniors. But I've always thought that if he really wanted to frighten the elderly, the President could impose heavy FCC fines on Paul Harvey.

You probably saw that the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. That's bad news for most of the country, because it means at least six more weeks of jury selection in the Michael Jackson trial.

Now we have more info on why Hillary Clinton collapsed during a speech on Monday. Her doctors say dehydration was to blame. Gee, you'd think she would have learned from Bill how much trouble you can get into in politics when you lose fluids!

Well, even though the elections went well, insurgent groups in Iraq say they're going to launch a "jihad" to stifle the U.S.-orchestrated democracy there. But you know the best way to stifle an American-style democracy isn't terrorism... you just have to hire lots of high-priced lobbyists.

Some of America's critics seem to be coming around, though. French President Jacques Chirac called President Bush to congratulate him on the Iraq elections. But you know, now that the French are praising U.S. policy there, we're ordering a full withdrawal.

Actually we can't expect to leave Iraq anytime soon. In fact, Iraq's President Ghazi al-Yawer says it would be "complete nonsense" to ask U.S. troops to leave the country now. That's especially since we still need to perfect that naked Iraqi prisoner pyramid routine in time for next year's Super Bowl halftime show.

Interesting story today from the world of science, it turns out that the region of the brain that inhibits risky behavior is not fully formed until age 25. I guess that explains why so many 10-year olds still think it's okay to visit the Neverland Ranch.

That's all I have for you folks today. I don't want to miss the look of Ronald Reagan's face when they tell him that Ron Jr. spoke at the Democratic convention!"