Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Thanks again for coming to this Web site. I don't want to say I'm disappointed in the number of hits we're getting, but apparently there are fewer people reading this thing than Burbank residents who stay up past 10 PM!

Wow! You know, it got a lot more crowded up here in Heaven last night. I guess it could be the flu bug going around, but I think it may have had something to do with President Bush giving another speech on national television.

I know the President has been getting a lot of criticism for his Social Security plans. He wants people to invest some of their retirement money on Wall Street. Let me say just one thing in his defense folks: Take it from me, when you get too old for sex, worrying about the market will be your only excitement! Oh, and another good thing about this is that if you invest all your money in Starbuck's now, maybe they'll give you a job there when you're 80!

Boy my old network has really hit bottom. NBC says Martha Stewart will star in a new version of "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump as executive producer. I haven't seen that many crooks and phonies in one place since the Nixon administration. Although I can't wait to see what it's like when Martha orders a bunch of poor saps to knit Donald some better hair. And while they're at it, maybe they'll come up with a way Martha can skip out on that house-arrest ankle bracelet monitor.

I hear the Super Bowl host city of Jacksonville, Florida is dealing with some major crowding this week. You know hotel rooms are so scarce that Bernie Kerik is only able to bring half his mistresses.

So I see the UN has named Bill Clinton the Special Envoy for Tsunami relief. They're hoping he'll be able to convince countries to stick with reconstruction efforts even when media interest dies down. I guess Clinton is the perfect choice, since he's stuck with Hillary even though he lost interest in her long ago.

More good news from the Middle East. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas have accepted an invitation for a summit next week at an Egyptian resort. Well, Abbas has accepted an invitation to a summit, Sharon has accepted an invitation to the resort's "all you can eat" buffet.

Well, I've got to go to lunch now. I've just learned the best way to get larger portions in the cafeteria in Heaven is to get in line behind Karen Carpenter. See you tomorrow!"