Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Thanks for joining me again before the big Super Bowl weekend. You know, in Heaven, watching sporting events is a mixed bag. The angels can't say who is going to win beforehand, but they do let us know which players are taking the most steroids.

There's been a lot of talk about Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens up here. Owens says God healed him in time to play in the big game. But I spoke to God yesterday, and he's still taking the Patriots and laying 8 points.

So now we know a lot more about the funny business in that "UN Oil for Food" program... $64 billion and most of it went to pay New York City parking tickets. I guess we should have known something was up when they admitted all the food was being made by Martha Stewart.

Feel free to laugh anytime here, folks... now that I'm dead, I really do have all night.

I see Leona Helmsley is saying her late husband Harry is speaking to her through her dog. Actually that's true. In fact, Harry told me that after living with Leona for all those years, he learned how to speak Bitch.

That's right, I can say "Bitch" up here. If I had used language like that when my show was on, NBC would have demoted me to a recurring character on "Punky Brewster."

That Michael Jackson trial is still in the jury selection process. Potential jurors are being asked if they've ever had experiences with inappropriate sexual behavior, cancer, lawsuits and people of different races. But to be really fair, they should also be asked if they've ever seen a ghost, space alien, or more than 10 episodes of "The Swan."

So they're planning a new exhibit at the anti-evolution "Creation Museum" explaining how Tyrannosaurus Rex existed at the time of Adam and Eve and was created by the "terror that Adam's sin unleashed." I understand another exhibit explains that Dodo birds went extinct because they were all gay.

Talk about a sweet deal... a Manhattan woman is going to court to keep the lease to her $100 a year rental apartment, which would normally rent for $3500 a month. And now that the rest of New York City knows about her rent situation, the woman should also go to court to get police protection.

So UPN is canceling that "Star Trek: Enterprise" show. Yeah that means it'll be the first time in 18 years that there will be no new Star Trek shows on TV. So Star Trek fans will now have to watch re-runs, which I understand is something they are not at all familiar with or comfortable doing in any way.

Well, I'm going to call it a week folks. If you think you're going to a good Super Bowl party, I'm going to watch the Super Bowl with Vince Lombardi!"