Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I want to start again by thanking all of you for your huge support. Now I know what it's like to work for Ralph Nader.

So the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl again. Boy, it's been a great year for Boston. The Red Sox won the World Series, the Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four years... you know, Boston fans are getting so used to this, they may not even start a riot tonight.

With all this happening, you might think Boston has completely shed its image as a "loser" town. But you know, that can't really happen as long as John Kerry and Michael Dukakis keep living there.

I give a lot of credit to the Philadelphia Eagles. They kept it close. And even though he recently broke his leg, Philadelphia wide receiver Terrell Owens had a great game. Owens says God healed him in time for the game... which is good because now he can get back to all the frivolous things he does like helping AIDS, cancer, and tsunami victims.

Lots of surprises in President Bush's new budget. The whole thing calls for $2.5 trillion in spending.... and that's not even including the $12 billion they have to set aside to import cheaper prescription drugs just for Dick Cheney.

Oh, that offended you, huh? Well, keep it up and I'll put itching powder in your Ben Gay!

President Bush is still pushing his Social Security privatization program, trying to convince the elderly to go along with it. He even took his fight to the radio this weekend, which was a brilliant move... not because he said anything new, but because he disguised his voice to sound like Paul Harvey.

The Pope is getting better, and that's good news. But you know, he's really thinking about retirement. Apparently, the only thing holding him back is that if he leaves the Papacy, he'll lose his season tickets to Notre Dame.

It looks like there's some progress in the peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians. Apparently Sharon and Abbas really hit it off by telling each other all their favorite Suha Arafat jokes.

Some embarrassing news from Iraq this week. A female National Guard soldier has been punished for indecent exposure after competing in a mud-wrestling party in Iraq. The Pentagon says the woman has been reprimanded, demoted, and selected as the perfect new commander of the Abu Ghraib prison.

It was a big weekend in Ethiopia as Rastafarians from around the world joined tens of thousands of Ethiopians at a concert marking the 60th anniversary of reggae legend Bob Marley's birth. It was the most incense ever burned in one place since last year's freshman orientation at U.C. Berkeley.

And finally, some bad news in the world of science. It turns out NASA doesn't have enough money to keep the Hubble Telescope operational. But you know, astronomers at the space agency could probably just cut back on the telescope's workload, and stop using it to spy on girls.

That's all for today folks... I have a deposition to get to. Yep, the lawyers run things up here too."