Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Hello again everybody. It was a great night here in Heaven, because we decided to stage our own version of 'American Idol.' It was great to hear Sinatra, Dean Martin, Elvis, etc. But the judging part just wasn't the same because there's nobody here in Heaven as nasty as that Simon Cowell guy.

Well, I see the most powerful woman in business is out of a job. Carly Fiorina finally gave in to the pressure and stepped down at Hewlett-Packard. Although, I actually heard the real reason she quit is she couldn't take waiting for all those paper jams in her office's HP printers to get fixed.

Very weird and wacky story coming out of Washington this week. People say that during this past Sunday's church services, President Bush gave his wife a kiss, then patted her on the behind before shaking hands with all his fellow worshippers. You know that's a total reversal from President Clinton's policy, because he used to shake hands with Hillary and then start kissing and patting all his fellow worshippers on the behind.

Remember when I used to host the Academy Awards? That was always fun. And I see
that under a new deal with the Academy, ABC will broadcast the Academy Awards through 2014. Oh no, wait... that's just when this year's Oscar broadcast will finally be over.

So, work has begun on a massive public art project in New York City, where 7,500 bright orange gates will be set up throughout Central Park. Of course, most park users won't care what color they are as long as they can pee on them.

Also out of Washington several news organizations are reporting that the mysterious Watergate figure "Deep Throat," who helped bring down President Richard Nixon, is near death. But you know a lot of young folks are confused by this story, because they logically assume "Deep Throat" was responsible for Bill Clinton's downfall.

And in sports, baseball stars Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, and Rafael Palmeiro are all denying Jose Canseco's claims that they shared steroids with him. You know, those denials make sense... everyone knows those guys never share!

That's all for me today. Speaking of baseball, I'm going to if Shoeless Joe Jackson is back from playing in that guy's cornfield in Iowa."