Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Thanks again for joining me. This Web site remains so hard to find, we haven't even received any annoying sweepstakes mailings from Ed McMahon!

I see Prince Charles has announced he'll marry long-time girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles in April. Those two aren't that easy on the eyes anymore. In fact, it'll be the first royal event the paparazzi really won't want to photograph.

Back in the Middle East, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Iran has to move quickly to end its nuclear weapons program. But she added the U.S. has no deadline for Tehran to act. In other words, Iran shouldn't worry until President Bush's approval ratings dip below 50% again

I see the Supreme Court has shut down the barber-shop where the justices have had their hair cut since 1935. It's being replaced with a new facility where the judges can conveniently get their dialysis, chemotherapy, and arthritis therapy.

Donald Trump could be in trouble soon. A St. Louis man with paralysis is suing the producers of "The Apprentice," saying they are unfairly discriminating against would-be contestants with disabilities. But the show actually intends to make up for that by continuing to cast people with mental disabilities.

I see "Desperate Housewives" star Marcia Cross is denying rumors that she is secretly a lesbian. I've actually seen that show... she should also deny rumors that she is secretly an actress.

And finally, have you heard the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is suing three men who are establishing the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The suit says the public could confuse the two. I think this lawsuit is an example of legal abuse, but it's also proof that these men should first build the Jewish Lawyers Hall of Fame.

That's all for today folks... I'm going to try to get a quick visit to the barber's before Dick Nixon comes in for one of his hourly shaves."