Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, we've completed another week here. We're winning over a few loyal readers every day... but at this rate I won't have a decent-sized audience until Jake's as old as Freddy DeCordova!

So I see North Korea says it has the bomb. And I guess that's forcing the world to ask some tough questions. The U.S. is wondering if it can destroy the arsenal, the UN is wondering if it can use diplomacy to neutralize the situation, and most of the North Korean people are wondering if they'll ever be able to have something to eat besides dirt.

So Prince Charles and Camilla are working hard to get ready for their wedding. You know, the only thing they should pay attention to is making sure Prince Harry doesn't dress himself!

So now that she's been ousted as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, reports say Carly Fiorina may get into politics. But after cutting thousands of jobs, depressing the stock market, and failing her supporters, Fiorina is probably too overqualified to work for the Bush administration.

Also in politics, Republicans and Democrats in the House introduced a bill to stop Medicare from covering Viagra. Because they say taxpayers should not pick up the bill for sexual activities. That's funny, because I think we've been picking up the bill for all of Congress' sexual activities for decades.

And the Senate has approved a bill that will make it harder for trial attorneys to file class action lawsuits. That's too bad, because filing class action lawsuits is the only time most lawyers have any class.

So, I just read that auto insurance rates are expected to rise 1.5% this year. That's the smallest increase since 2001. It's all because of fewer car thefts, safer vehicles, and the fact that Billy Joel now has a chauffeur.

And in show business, Paris Hilton will play "I Dream of Jeannie" star Barbara Eden in the March 16 episode of "American Dreams." All of America is hoping she'll learn something from that role... like how to make herself disappear.

Hey, it's time for me to disappear now. I'll speak to you again on Tuesday folks. Until then, I'll be drinking Mai Tais with Judy Garland and Joan Crawford... I may be the only straight man in Heaven who actually wants to do that!"