Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well those steroid hearings are underway on Capitol Hill. And you know, I was really shocked, because it looks like Sammy Sosa is using a corked lawyer.

Meanwhile, according to a new survey, 35% of Major League Baseball players believe that records set by players on steroids should be marked with an asterisk. The other 65% actually don't know what an asterisk is.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day to all of you! You know this Saint Patrick's Day is also the first day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament... which means that by tonight, there will only be about 3 sober men in all of America.

I was kind of surprised to see Robert Blake get acquitted yesterday. Prosecutors blame the judge, jury, and the fact that they could never get as much press coverage as the Michael Jackson or Scott Peterson trials.

But you know, Blake's acquittal is actually not entirely good news for the former actor. At least if he were in jail, he'd have a good excuse for not getting any work in Hollywood.

But that Bernie Ebbers did get convicted. And now, CEO's are being scrutinized more than ever. I guess the only place a person can get away with breaking the law and losing billions of dollars nowadays is the White House.

Speaking of Washington, the Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of removing Terry Schiavo's feeding tube, so House Republicans are pushing for a bill to block the procedure. For some reason, those Congressmen really identify with a brain-damaged person who doesn't appear to be able do anything.

Iraq's new democratic national assembly convened for the first time this week. Following American tradition, the representatives immediately voted themselves a pay raise.

President Bush named the Pentagon's war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, to lead the World Bank. Bush says there's no better person to rebuild the world's poorest countries than a guy who helped destroy them in the first place.

Legendary CBS News Anchorman Walter Cronkite's wife died yesterday. Her death came just days after he told CNN he should have replaced her with Bob Schieffer years ago.

Former Baywatch actress Alexandra Paul was arrested at the GM plant in California after leading a protest against the company this week. Fellow cast member Pam Anderson was also at the GM plant that day, but only to have her airbags checked.

From now on, men in Oakland, California, who are caught soliciting prostitutes, will have their pictures placed on bill boards and bus shelters. Usually, you only see pictures of men who solicit prostitutes on election posters.

See you tomorrow folks!"