Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, it's almost Oscar time. Even here in Heaven, it's going to be hard to watch someone else host the award ceremony. You'd think being dead would disqualify a person from being there, but judging by the way Joan Rivers looks these days, I'm not so sure.

So the odds-makers are all split over who should be favored to win most of Sunday night's Academy Awards. But the experts all agree the Best Actor Oscar should go to new host Chris Rock, for pretending to be interested in the Academy Awards.

Good news from the Vatican... the Pope is doing better. But after his surgery, the Pope's doctors are ordering him not to speak for a few days. So of course, President Bush is wondering if he can get treated by those same doctors.

The latest reports from Washington say the economy grew at an unexpectedly strong rate at the end of last year. The government says the spending numbers soared because of more factory orders, employee hiring, and Michael Jackson's decision to pay some of his legal bills.

Have you seen this new right-wing ad campaign accusing the AARP of being in favor of gay marriage? You know, the AARP says they don't but it's just that most of its members are too old to tell the difference between men and women.

Well, it's pretty obvious the Olympic Evaluation Commission has left, because New Yorkers are beginning to see more of the City's embarrassing sites... like criminals, homeless people, and the Knicks.

And finally, U2 lead singer Bono is being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize. Experts say it's because the only thing the entire world agrees about these days is that Bono's last three albums really stunk.

That's about it for today folks. The odds are in favor of "The Aviator" getting Best Picture, unless you count that stuff they downloaded off of Paris Hilton's cell phone. See you Tuesday!"