Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, we're all on our best behavior here in Heaven because they say the Pope may be coming soon. It would be a bit sad at first, but then it would be fun to hear him blasting his successor all the time!

So President Bush met with Russian leader Vladimir Putin today. The Russian people don't really understand President Bush... not because of the war in Iraq, but because he quit drinking.

Meanwhile, here at home, Republican Senators and Congressmen are going on the road to sell President Bush's Social Security plan. You know, I think those trips really are the best thing for the future of the program, because now the politicians are too busy to steal money from Social Security.

There's a new study that says America's tab for health care will hit $3.6 trillion by 2014... and that's not even counting all the plastic surgeries Joan Rivers is going to have!

So they finally got a jury seated in the Michael Jackson trial. And I have a feeling this group could be very favorable to him. That's because four of them are fans of his music, one of them has a grandson who was convicted of a sexual offense, and five of them don't actually scream in horror whenever they see his face.

Actress Carmen Electra is going around the country saying that losing her virginity in the back seat of a car in Cincinnati when she was 16 was "not glamorous." But it's not clear if she's saying that to promote teen abstinence or to warn people about Cincinnati.

And I see that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's poll numbers have been slipping... but it's not clear if it's because of California's economic woes or the release of "Terminator 3" on DVD.

Allright that's all for now. Excuse me while I go give Linda Lovelace an 'emergency tracheotomy' of my own... know what I mean?"