"Well, I have to say I was touched by that tribute to me at the Oscars. Too bad I had to die before they acknowledged me, but at least I didn't die onstage like Chris Rock!

The nominees for Best Picture included films about a temperamental alcoholic, a billionaire descending into insanity, and a woman trying to make it in a man's game... wait a minute, was that the Oscars or a preview of the 2008 presidential election?

Maybe you saw Best Actor Jamie Foxx saying thank you to his grandmother for whupping him whenever he didn't act right. Most people saw that as an endorsement for corporeal punishment, but I thought it was really a call to beat the Hell out of Ben Affleck.


Now I hear the ratings were down for the broadcast. But that's only because people saw all the ridiculously-dressed celebrities, and they thought it was the Michael Jackson trial.

Yeah, that trial is underway now. In opening statements, prosecutors said Michael Jackson served a 10-year old boy alcohol and showed him gay porn. But Jackson's attorneys say he was only preparing the boy for a career as a right wing White House correspondent.

Now defense attorneys said the mother of Michael Jackson's accuser tried dupe other celebrities into giving her money, including Jay Leno. But cops say the woman gave herself away as a con artist when she told Leno he was funny.

So, while describing the mother's "scam," defense attorney Thomas Mesereau said Michael Jackson simply failed to "smell the ruse" like the other celebrities. And that's true... because Michael Jackson doesn't really have a nose.

More peace talks today. Britain is hosting a one-day international conference aimed at ending Palestinian financial corruption and reducing terror attacks against Israel. Of course, they could do that all in one fell swoop by taking the Palestinian officials' limousines away and making them all ride the bus.

Millionaire pilot Steve Fossett is attempting the first solo non-stop flight around the world today. If successful, he'll also become the first air traveler to actually spend more time on the plane than the security line.

In other news, did you see the police in Kansas celebrating and congratulating themselves for arresting the "BTK" serial killer? And they should be proud. I mean now we know that if murderers send them several letters full of clues for 31 years, and their own daughters turn them in; then there's nobody they can't catch!

They say this BTK guy was a Boy Scout Leader. And they thought they had trouble with the gay ones! But seriously, I mean they should have figure something was wrong when he taught his scouts how to shoot deer, and then how to write taunting letters to the deer's family.

Sanitation workers and cops are overwhelmed again today as New York is digging out from another snow storm. You don't usually see this many debilitated city employees in March unless it's St. Patrick's Day.

And finally in sports, the Baseball Hall of Fame may not induct players implicated in the recent steroid scandals. But don't worry, there is still a place where people who used drugs to achieve their greatness are always honored... it's called the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame."