"So Michael Jackson was an hour and 40 minutes late to court yesterday. Jackson did say he was sorry, and promised that the next time he's late, he'll at least send R. Kelly as his opening act.

Apparently, Jackson's motorcade had trouble navigating the freeway traffic... I guess that's the last time they let Bubbles drive the limo.

On the stand, Michael Jackson's teenage accuser says he led him to engage in underage drinking, and then coached him on how to talk to TV interviewers. Hey, isn't that how George Bush got started?

The steroid scandal is in the news again. And now Congress is issuing subpoenas to lots of baseball stars because they say they've been waiting too long for the star players to respond. Well, now they know what it's like to be a Mets fan.

Meanwhile after Congress finishes looking into Major League Baseball's alleged condoning of steroid use, they're planning to investigate NASCAR for allowing speeding.

So the folks at Ikea are in trouble. Apparently they being accused of sexism because they only show men putting stuff together in their instruction manuals. Ikea says it's just trying not to offend Muslim customers who may be offended by seeing women doing manual labor. Geez, you can't win... but at least we all know that Ikea's instructions are still totally impossible to understand no matter what your religion, race, sex of nationality!

Harvard Business School is rejecting 119 applicants who hacked into a website to learn whether they were accepted. Harvard barred those applicants from coming to the business school because by hacking a restricted web site and breaking confidentiality rules, it's clear they already know how to succeed in business!

Also in business news, an investment firm is offering $5 billion to buy Toys R Us from its current owners. It would have offered more, but none of the batteries were included.

The Feds say two retired NYPD cops were working as hit men for the mafia while they were still on the force. They were earning $4,000 a month on the mob payroll... but you know, in New York, that's only about $2,000 after taxes.

Two Democratic candidates for Mayor of New York have agreed not to attack each other during the primary campaign, which is only slightly less shocking than their promise not to make fun of Staten Island.

Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice has admitted to scalping some of the 12 tickets to the Super Bowl he got from the NFL. Tice is expected to be punished severely by the league, which could even force him to continue coaching the Minnesota Vikings.

And Wrigley is bringing back the 1960s-era Doublemint Twins in its TV Ads. The gum maker says they'll remind Americans of a more innocent time... which will last until pictures of the twins having sex with each other inevitably surface on the internet.

Have a great weekend everybody!"