Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I hope you all had a nice long weekend. I enjoyed the extra time off from Ed... but I had to die to avoid getting all of his damn sweepstakes mailings every day!

So I see Ibrahim al-Jaafari emerged today as the leading candidate for Iraqi prime minister. Al-Jaafari, geez wasn't he the bad guy from "Aladdin."

Now Britain's navy has begun a campaign to actively recruit gays... which is kind of funny because most of Britain's gays are already enlisted in the navy.

New York City is pulling out all the stops to get the 2012 Summer Games. I guess they can advertise the city to foreigners by reminding them that nobody in New York speaks English either!

Bad news for the economy as the Winn-Dixie supermarket chain filed for bankruptcy today. I guess failure is what you can expect when you just don't stop supporting the Confederacy.

5 U.S. Senators, including Hillary Clinton are visiting Iraq on a fact-finding mission this week. It's a dangerous trip, because exposing the Iraqi people to members of Congress could derail the fledging democracy before it starts.

More of the major airlines are phasing out those discounted fares they give to close relatives of the dead and dying. It's too bad, because saying 'My Aunt Martha Died' was the best damn way for college kids to get to Florida for spring break!

So the United States continues to pressure Iran to drop its nuclear weapons program, and many are asking why no one is forcing Israel to give up its nukes. Of course, the reason is all of Israel's enemies already look like they've been hit by a nuclear bomb anyway.

In Europe President Bush is praising NATO as a strong military entity. The alliance is well-equipped, well-fed, and thanks to all of Bush's unilateral wars, it's pretty well-rested too!

And finally, the disco floor that John Travolta danced across in "Saturday Night Fever" has been saved from a doomed Brooklyn nightclub and will be auctioned off. The bell-bottoms he wore are already being used as the wind socks at JFK Airport.

See you tomorrow folks. It's time for my nightly argument with Jack Paar about who was a better host."