Well, it's time for another monologue from heaven.

I see there's a big commotion about this author James Frey making up parts of his bestselling memoir. I guess people would have been a lot more forgiving if Frey had misled them about something less important, like weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

But you know you can always tell when someone's faking an autobiography. When you go to the bookstore those are the books where they make you sign a legal document promising not to sue the publisher before you buy it.

Lots of people are upset about that terrorist group Hamas winning the Palestinian elections. Israeli leaders say they won't be able to negotiate with them, because you can't reason with people bent on your destruction. I guess none of these Israeli politicians has ever dealt with a divorce lawyer.

Of course Hamas won because they made some great promises to the Palestinian people. For one thing, they've already raised the mandatory suicide bombing age from 14 to 21.

Sad note here in Hollywood; actor Chris Penn died in his home this past week. Police are still not sure of the cause of death, but since he was Sean Penn's brother, it's most likely he died of embarrassment.

President Bush spent Wednesday visiting the ultra-secret National Security Agency. He was there to boost the morale of the employees who support him, and get the names of those who don't so he can leak them to Robert Novak.

Now President Bush insists he wasn't breaking the law by authorizing domestic wiretaps because he informed Congressional leaders about it. Actually, members of Congress are the best to people to talk to about breaking the law.

John Kerry's reaction to all this is to attack the White House. He's calling the Bush administration "inept." Yeah, they're so inept, the only thing they can do right is beat John Kerry in an election.

A new judge has been named to preside over the Saddam Hussein trial. The Iraqi government chose a legal expert who can out-argue and out-berate Saddam at every turn: Nancy Grace.

There was some big show business news to talk about; Disney is buying Pixar Animation. Now Pixar founder Steve Jobs says the companies can operate without their previous "boundaries." By boundaries he meant Michael Eisner, and Michael Eisner's ego.

Also in business, Ford Motor Company announced it will lay off 30,000 workers. Sad news. But you know the news is shocking automotive experts who didn't know Ford had 30,000 workers left to lay off.

Evo Morales is the new socialist President of Bolivia. And he has promised to reclaim that nation's natural resources. That's admirable, but are the Bolivian people really ready to take that much cocaine?

A new study says dogs may be able to use their sense of smell to detect cancer in humans... well considering where my dog used to sniff me all the time when I was alive, I guess my dog thought I had colon cancer.

That's all for now folks. I've got to go find a good hiding place before Phyllis Diller gets here.

See you next week!

My friend Hugh Hewitt was just nice enough to remind me people are still waiting for a decent monologue. Great, and I thought I was safe here in heaven at least until Ed McMahon dies.

All right, I guess I'm game. Have you heard this new tape purportedly from Osama bin Laden? It talks about rising U.S. casualties and how America should pull out of Iraq. The CIA is certain the tape is either the voice of bin Laden or Nancy Pelosi.


You know Osama's latest audio tape is his first recording released in over a year; upsetting record producers who were really hoping to get his new album in stores in time for Christmas.

I hear the Bruin Alumni Association at UCLA is offering students $100 each to supply them tapes and notes exposing professors with left-wing political views. Boy, those guys are going to run out of money faster than I did at my divorce lawyer's office.

I heard some convict in Australia escaped from jail by losing 30 pounds so he could squeeze through a hole he chiseled in a brick wall. His new "Prison Escapee" diet book is expected to be in all the bookstores in Beverly Hills by this summer.

The terrorist Palestinian group Hamas now has its own TV station with shows for kids. I understand the most popular program is "SpongeBob Explosive Pants."

Taking a page out of my book... Walter Cronkite has been dating Joanna Simon, a New York City realtor, who is 20 years his junior. Cronkite is interested in her youth and beauty; Simon is interested in his 3-bedroom apartment.

They say those FBI wire taps of Arab-Americans didn't end up yielding any good information on terrorism. Well, at least the government did find out that most Arabs voted for Clay Aiken.

NASA launched that New Horizons rocket on a 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. It could actually get there faster, but it's going to go real slow to save on gas.

This is funny: A 2 year-old Massachusetts girl received a jury summons this week. It was a terrible mistake; naive 2 year-olds are only eligible to serve on juries in California.

Now this is just scary: Iran has just announced plans to host an international Holocaust conference. They're going to call the forum "A Look Back at the Good Old Days."

There are more women in high office to talk about these days. Michelle Bachelet, a Socialist leader, has become the first woman to be elected president of Chile. The big question now is how long it will take Pat Robertson to call for her assassination.

I got some company here in the celebrities' wing in Heaven this week. Two-time Oscar-winning actress Shelly Winters died this weekend. You know, Winters was a great woman; she donated her first Oscar to the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, and the second one she ate.

Speaking of that, I gotta get out of here before she eats my lunch. See you soon, and thanks Hugh!