My friend Hugh Hewitt was just nice enough to remind me people are still waiting for a decent monologue. Great, and I thought I was safe here in heaven at least until Ed McMahon dies.

All right, I guess I'm game. Have you heard this new tape purportedly from Osama bin Laden? It talks about rising U.S. casualties and how America should pull out of Iraq. The CIA is certain the tape is either the voice of bin Laden or Nancy Pelosi.


You know Osama's latest audio tape is his first recording released in over a year; upsetting record producers who were really hoping to get his new album in stores in time for Christmas.

I hear the Bruin Alumni Association at UCLA is offering students $100 each to supply them tapes and notes exposing professors with left-wing political views. Boy, those guys are going to run out of money faster than I did at my divorce lawyer's office.

I heard some convict in Australia escaped from jail by losing 30 pounds so he could squeeze through a hole he chiseled in a brick wall. His new "Prison Escapee" diet book is expected to be in all the bookstores in Beverly Hills by this summer.

The terrorist Palestinian group Hamas now has its own TV station with shows for kids. I understand the most popular program is "SpongeBob Explosive Pants."

Taking a page out of my book... Walter Cronkite has been dating Joanna Simon, a New York City realtor, who is 20 years his junior. Cronkite is interested in her youth and beauty; Simon is interested in his 3-bedroom apartment.

They say those FBI wire taps of Arab-Americans didn't end up yielding any good information on terrorism. Well, at least the government did find out that most Arabs voted for Clay Aiken.

NASA launched that New Horizons rocket on a 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. It could actually get there faster, but it's going to go real slow to save on gas.

This is funny: A 2 year-old Massachusetts girl received a jury summons this week. It was a terrible mistake; naive 2 year-olds are only eligible to serve on juries in California.

Now this is just scary: Iran has just announced plans to host an international Holocaust conference. They're going to call the forum "A Look Back at the Good Old Days."

There are more women in high office to talk about these days. Michelle Bachelet, a Socialist leader, has become the first woman to be elected president of Chile. The big question now is how long it will take Pat Robertson to call for her assassination.

I got some company here in the celebrities' wing in Heaven this week. Two-time Oscar-winning actress Shelly Winters died this weekend. You know, Winters was a great woman; she donated her first Oscar to the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, and the second one she ate.

Speaking of that, I gotta get out of here before she eats my lunch. See you soon, and thanks Hugh!