Brought to you by Johnny's Earthly Prophet: JAKE NOVAK of Jake's Comedy Corner

I'm back for another week. I was hoping to keep relaxing, but I heard Ed McMahon's cholesterol is up again and I need to start looking for a place to hide the booze.

So President Bush revealed the details of a foiled attack on L.A.'s library tower. Skeptics say he only did it to gain support for his controversial wiretapping program. That could be true if there were any people in America who gave a damn about what happens to Los Angeles.

So Attorney General Alberto Gonzales went before a Senate committee Monday to deny the NSA is tapping hundreds of thousands of phone calls to battle terrorism. Gonzales said only about 5,000 calls are being monitored for terrorism; so I guess all the others are just to help the Bush administration find out who's gay.

I see angry Muslims worldwide continue to protest cartoons in a Danish newspaper that offended them by torching European embassies. Of course the best way to protest cartoons that offend you is to drop an anvil on the head of the cartoonist.

And there are other newspaper comics that make Muslims angry; like the fact that
Lucy always steals football out from under Charlie Brown but never gets her hand sawed off.

It's still not looking too good in Detroit. General Motors has announced it will cut executive bonuses. In order to make up for their lost income, most GM execs plan to moonlight for Toyota.

This is a sweet story. Beloved New York City physician, Dr. Charles P. Vialotti is finally retiring seven decades after treating his first patient... it's taken him this long to finish the health insurance paperwork on that guy.

A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexually harassing a girl classmate. Experts say most six-year-olds can't even understand the idea of sexual harassment, but this kid may be an exception because he's the 1st grade class representative to the student government.

Well, the folks in Steel Town are happy. The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 to win Super Bowl XL. The most shocking moment came after the game when Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward was asked what he was going to do next and he said: "I'm going to see 'Brokeback Mountain!"

Also in sports, Wayne Gretzky's wife has been implicated in a huge NHL betting ring. The news is absolutely shocking; we've finally found a woman who bets on sports!

Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up. They couldn't get married because Lance failed the blood test.

Finally, I see they had the Grammys this week. The biggest winner was Kelly Clarkson. She was given the first award, so she didn't have to sit through the rest of the Grammys.

See you all next week. I'm invited to a party at JFK's place, and I don;t have to tell you how good they can be.