Brought to you by Johnny's Earthly Prophet: JAKE NOVAK of Jake's Comedy Corner

I'm back for another week. I was hoping to keep relaxing, but I heard Ed McMahon's cholesterol is up again and I need to start looking for a place to hide the booze.

So President Bush revealed the details of a foiled attack on L.A.'s library tower. Skeptics say he only did it to gain support for his controversial wiretapping program. That could be true if there were any people in America who gave a damn about what happens to Los Angeles.

So Attorney General Alberto Gonzales went before a Senate committee Monday to deny the NSA is tapping hundreds of thousands of phone calls to battle terrorism. Gonzales said only about 5,000 calls are being monitored for terrorism; so I guess all the others are just to help the Bush administration find out who's gay.

I see angry Muslims worldwide continue to protest cartoons in a Danish newspaper that offended them by torching European embassies. Of course the best way to protest cartoons that offend you is to drop an anvil on the head of the cartoonist.

And there are other newspaper comics that make Muslims angry; like the fact that
Lucy always steals football out from under Charlie Brown but never gets her hand sawed off.

It's still not looking too good in Detroit. General Motors has announced it will cut executive bonuses. In order to make up for their lost income, most GM execs plan to moonlight for Toyota.

This is a sweet story. Beloved New York City physician, Dr. Charles P. Vialotti is finally retiring seven decades after treating his first patient... it's taken him this long to finish the health insurance paperwork on that guy.

A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexually harassing a girl classmate. Experts say most six-year-olds can't even understand the idea of sexual harassment, but this kid may be an exception because he's the 1st grade class representative to the student government.

Well, the folks in Steel Town are happy. The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 to win Super Bowl XL. The most shocking moment came after the game when Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward was asked what he was going to do next and he said: "I'm going to see 'Brokeback Mountain!"

Also in sports, Wayne Gretzky's wife has been implicated in a huge NHL betting ring. The news is absolutely shocking; we've finally found a woman who bets on sports!

Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up. They couldn't get married because Lance failed the blood test.

Finally, I see they had the Grammys this week. The biggest winner was Kelly Clarkson. She was given the first award, so she didn't have to sit through the rest of the Grammys.

See you all next week. I'm invited to a party at JFK's place, and I don;t have to tell you how good they can be.

It's good to be back for another week. Showing up for work once every seven days is a pretty good deal, but not as good as being a Congressman... they only show up once every seven years.

Speaking of Congress, during Thursday's voting for the new House Majority Leader, a second vote had to be taken when it was discovered there were more ballots cast than Republican members. That was because the lobbyists naturally thought they could vote too.

But they did choose a new House Majority Leader, his name is John Boehner from Ohio. He may be casting himself as the opposite of Tom DeLay, but he uses the same three bottles of hairspray every day. Boehner says his first job will be to clean up some of the lobbying scandals. So he's going to replace illegal cash donations with debit card payments.

U.N. Ambassador John Bolton opened his first meeting as head of the Security Council at 10 a.m. sharp Thursday -- but found that no other diplomats showed up. Bolton was a bit flustered, but he was fine after he threw insults and staplers at each of the empty chairs.

Groundhog Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow Thursday morning... that means six more weeks of outbursts at the Saddam Hussein trial.

Britain's Prince Harry will go to Iraq next year as a troop commander and could see action along the hazardous border with Iran. But it won't be so dangerous for him over there if he wears that Nazi uniform.

I see they threw some people out of the State of the Union address for wearing t-shirts. My favorite one was the one that said: "My President invaded Iraq, and all I got is this lousy T-Shirt."

Meanwhile, President Bush used his State of the Union address to urge Americans to reject isolationism... which makes a lot of sense since we'll all soon be working for the Chinese.

Earlier this week, Senator Ted Kennedy's drive to filibuster the Alito confirmation vote failed Monday. Geez, when will the Democrats learn not to let Ted Kennedy drive?

James Frey's literary agent has dropped the author after it was revealed that he fabricated parts of his memoir "A Million Little Pieces." Agents hate it when their clients are better liars than they are.

Did you see that Aymin al Zawahiri mocked President Bush for not being able to find him in Pakistan? Actually, President Bush can't even find Pakistan.

So the experts believe the ratings for this year's Winter Olympics will be weak. That's because if people want to see a bunch of doped-up amateurs competing, they can just watch "American Idol."

Have a nice week everybody. I need to get back up to heaven before Dean Martin beer goggles Wendy Wasserstein.