Brought to you by Johnny's Earthly Prophet: JAKE NOVAK of Jake's Comedy Corner

I'm back for another week. I was hoping to keep relaxing, but I heard Ed McMahon's cholesterol is up again and I need to start looking for a place to hide the booze.

So President Bush revealed the details of a foiled attack on L.A.'s library tower. Skeptics say he only did it to gain support for his controversial wiretapping program. That could be true if there were any people in America who gave a damn about what happens to Los Angeles.

So Attorney General Alberto Gonzales went before a Senate committee Monday to deny the NSA is tapping hundreds of thousands of phone calls to battle terrorism. Gonzales said only about 5,000 calls are being monitored for terrorism; so I guess all the others are just to help the Bush administration find out who's gay.

I see angry Muslims worldwide continue to protest cartoons in a Danish newspaper that offended them by torching European embassies. Of course the best way to protest cartoons that offend you is to drop an anvil on the head of the cartoonist.

And there are other newspaper comics that make Muslims angry; like the fact that
Lucy always steals football out from under Charlie Brown but never gets her hand sawed off.

It's still not looking too good in Detroit. General Motors has announced it will cut executive bonuses. In order to make up for their lost income, most GM execs plan to moonlight for Toyota.

This is a sweet story. Beloved New York City physician, Dr. Charles P. Vialotti is finally retiring seven decades after treating his first patient... it's taken him this long to finish the health insurance paperwork on that guy.

A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexually harassing a girl classmate. Experts say most six-year-olds can't even understand the idea of sexual harassment, but this kid may be an exception because he's the 1st grade class representative to the student government.

Well, the folks in Steel Town are happy. The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 to win Super Bowl XL. The most shocking moment came after the game when Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward was asked what he was going to do next and he said: "I'm going to see 'Brokeback Mountain!"

Also in sports, Wayne Gretzky's wife has been implicated in a huge NHL betting ring. The news is absolutely shocking; we've finally found a woman who bets on sports!

Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up. They couldn't get married because Lance failed the blood test.

Finally, I see they had the Grammys this week. The biggest winner was Kelly Clarkson. She was given the first award, so she didn't have to sit through the rest of the Grammys.

See you all next week. I'm invited to a party at JFK's place, and I don;t have to tell you how good they can be.

It's good to be back for another week. Showing up for work once every seven days is a pretty good deal, but not as good as being a Congressman... they only show up once every seven years.

Speaking of Congress, during Thursday's voting for the new House Majority Leader, a second vote had to be taken when it was discovered there were more ballots cast than Republican members. That was because the lobbyists naturally thought they could vote too.

But they did choose a new House Majority Leader, his name is John Boehner from Ohio. He may be casting himself as the opposite of Tom DeLay, but he uses the same three bottles of hairspray every day. Boehner says his first job will be to clean up some of the lobbying scandals. So he's going to replace illegal cash donations with debit card payments.

U.N. Ambassador John Bolton opened his first meeting as head of the Security Council at 10 a.m. sharp Thursday -- but found that no other diplomats showed up. Bolton was a bit flustered, but he was fine after he threw insults and staplers at each of the empty chairs.

Groundhog Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow Thursday morning... that means six more weeks of outbursts at the Saddam Hussein trial.

Britain's Prince Harry will go to Iraq next year as a troop commander and could see action along the hazardous border with Iran. But it won't be so dangerous for him over there if he wears that Nazi uniform.

I see they threw some people out of the State of the Union address for wearing t-shirts. My favorite one was the one that said: "My President invaded Iraq, and all I got is this lousy T-Shirt."

Meanwhile, President Bush used his State of the Union address to urge Americans to reject isolationism... which makes a lot of sense since we'll all soon be working for the Chinese.

Earlier this week, Senator Ted Kennedy's drive to filibuster the Alito confirmation vote failed Monday. Geez, when will the Democrats learn not to let Ted Kennedy drive?

James Frey's literary agent has dropped the author after it was revealed that he fabricated parts of his memoir "A Million Little Pieces." Agents hate it when their clients are better liars than they are.

Did you see that Aymin al Zawahiri mocked President Bush for not being able to find him in Pakistan? Actually, President Bush can't even find Pakistan.

So the experts believe the ratings for this year's Winter Olympics will be weak. That's because if people want to see a bunch of doped-up amateurs competing, they can just watch "American Idol."

Have a nice week everybody. I need to get back up to heaven before Dean Martin beer goggles Wendy Wasserstein.

Well, it's time for another monologue from heaven.

I see there's a big commotion about this author James Frey making up parts of his bestselling memoir. I guess people would have been a lot more forgiving if Frey had misled them about something less important, like weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

But you know you can always tell when someone's faking an autobiography. When you go to the bookstore those are the books where they make you sign a legal document promising not to sue the publisher before you buy it.

Lots of people are upset about that terrorist group Hamas winning the Palestinian elections. Israeli leaders say they won't be able to negotiate with them, because you can't reason with people bent on your destruction. I guess none of these Israeli politicians has ever dealt with a divorce lawyer.

Of course Hamas won because they made some great promises to the Palestinian people. For one thing, they've already raised the mandatory suicide bombing age from 14 to 21.

Sad note here in Hollywood; actor Chris Penn died in his home this past week. Police are still not sure of the cause of death, but since he was Sean Penn's brother, it's most likely he died of embarrassment.

President Bush spent Wednesday visiting the ultra-secret National Security Agency. He was there to boost the morale of the employees who support him, and get the names of those who don't so he can leak them to Robert Novak.

Now President Bush insists he wasn't breaking the law by authorizing domestic wiretaps because he informed Congressional leaders about it. Actually, members of Congress are the best to people to talk to about breaking the law.

John Kerry's reaction to all this is to attack the White House. He's calling the Bush administration "inept." Yeah, they're so inept, the only thing they can do right is beat John Kerry in an election.

A new judge has been named to preside over the Saddam Hussein trial. The Iraqi government chose a legal expert who can out-argue and out-berate Saddam at every turn: Nancy Grace.

There was some big show business news to talk about; Disney is buying Pixar Animation. Now Pixar founder Steve Jobs says the companies can operate without their previous "boundaries." By boundaries he meant Michael Eisner, and Michael Eisner's ego.

Also in business, Ford Motor Company announced it will lay off 30,000 workers. Sad news. But you know the news is shocking automotive experts who didn't know Ford had 30,000 workers left to lay off.

Evo Morales is the new socialist President of Bolivia. And he has promised to reclaim that nation's natural resources. That's admirable, but are the Bolivian people really ready to take that much cocaine?

A new study says dogs may be able to use their sense of smell to detect cancer in humans... well considering where my dog used to sniff me all the time when I was alive, I guess my dog thought I had colon cancer.

That's all for now folks. I've got to go find a good hiding place before Phyllis Diller gets here.

See you next week!

My friend Hugh Hewitt was just nice enough to remind me people are still waiting for a decent monologue. Great, and I thought I was safe here in heaven at least until Ed McMahon dies.

All right, I guess I'm game. Have you heard this new tape purportedly from Osama bin Laden? It talks about rising U.S. casualties and how America should pull out of Iraq. The CIA is certain the tape is either the voice of bin Laden or Nancy Pelosi.


You know Osama's latest audio tape is his first recording released in over a year; upsetting record producers who were really hoping to get his new album in stores in time for Christmas.

I hear the Bruin Alumni Association at UCLA is offering students $100 each to supply them tapes and notes exposing professors with left-wing political views. Boy, those guys are going to run out of money faster than I did at my divorce lawyer's office.

I heard some convict in Australia escaped from jail by losing 30 pounds so he could squeeze through a hole he chiseled in a brick wall. His new "Prison Escapee" diet book is expected to be in all the bookstores in Beverly Hills by this summer.

The terrorist Palestinian group Hamas now has its own TV station with shows for kids. I understand the most popular program is "SpongeBob Explosive Pants."

Taking a page out of my book... Walter Cronkite has been dating Joanna Simon, a New York City realtor, who is 20 years his junior. Cronkite is interested in her youth and beauty; Simon is interested in his 3-bedroom apartment.

They say those FBI wire taps of Arab-Americans didn't end up yielding any good information on terrorism. Well, at least the government did find out that most Arabs voted for Clay Aiken.

NASA launched that New Horizons rocket on a 9-year-long mission to reach Pluto. It could actually get there faster, but it's going to go real slow to save on gas.

This is funny: A 2 year-old Massachusetts girl received a jury summons this week. It was a terrible mistake; naive 2 year-olds are only eligible to serve on juries in California.

Now this is just scary: Iran has just announced plans to host an international Holocaust conference. They're going to call the forum "A Look Back at the Good Old Days."

There are more women in high office to talk about these days. Michelle Bachelet, a Socialist leader, has become the first woman to be elected president of Chile. The big question now is how long it will take Pat Robertson to call for her assassination.

I got some company here in the celebrities' wing in Heaven this week. Two-time Oscar-winning actress Shelly Winters died this weekend. You know, Winters was a great woman; she donated her first Oscar to the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam, and the second one she ate.

Speaking of that, I gotta get out of here before she eats my lunch. See you soon, and thanks Hugh!

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well those steroid hearings are underway on Capitol Hill. And you know, I was really shocked, because it looks like Sammy Sosa is using a corked lawyer.

Meanwhile, according to a new survey, 35% of Major League Baseball players believe that records set by players on steroids should be marked with an asterisk. The other 65% actually don't know what an asterisk is.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day to all of you! You know this Saint Patrick's Day is also the first day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament... which means that by tonight, there will only be about 3 sober men in all of America.

I was kind of surprised to see Robert Blake get acquitted yesterday. Prosecutors blame the judge, jury, and the fact that they could never get as much press coverage as the Michael Jackson or Scott Peterson trials.

But you know, Blake's acquittal is actually not entirely good news for the former actor. At least if he were in jail, he'd have a good excuse for not getting any work in Hollywood.

But that Bernie Ebbers did get convicted. And now, CEO's are being scrutinized more than ever. I guess the only place a person can get away with breaking the law and losing billions of dollars nowadays is the White House.

Speaking of Washington, the Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of removing Terry Schiavo's feeding tube, so House Republicans are pushing for a bill to block the procedure. For some reason, those Congressmen really identify with a brain-damaged person who doesn't appear to be able do anything.

Iraq's new democratic national assembly convened for the first time this week. Following American tradition, the representatives immediately voted themselves a pay raise.

President Bush named the Pentagon's war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, to lead the World Bank. Bush says there's no better person to rebuild the world's poorest countries than a guy who helped destroy them in the first place.

Legendary CBS News Anchorman Walter Cronkite's wife died yesterday. Her death came just days after he told CNN he should have replaced her with Bob Schieffer years ago.

Former Baywatch actress Alexandra Paul was arrested at the GM plant in California after leading a protest against the company this week. Fellow cast member Pam Anderson was also at the GM plant that day, but only to have her airbags checked.

From now on, men in Oakland, California, who are caught soliciting prostitutes, will have their pictures placed on bill boards and bus shelters. Usually, you only see pictures of men who solicit prostitutes on election posters.

See you tomorrow folks!"

"So Michael Jackson was an hour and 40 minutes late to court yesterday. Jackson did say he was sorry, and promised that the next time he's late, he'll at least send R. Kelly as his opening act.

Apparently, Jackson's motorcade had trouble navigating the freeway traffic... I guess that's the last time they let Bubbles drive the limo.

On the stand, Michael Jackson's teenage accuser says he led him to engage in underage drinking, and then coached him on how to talk to TV interviewers. Hey, isn't that how George Bush got started?

The steroid scandal is in the news again. And now Congress is issuing subpoenas to lots of baseball stars because they say they've been waiting too long for the star players to respond. Well, now they know what it's like to be a Mets fan.

Meanwhile after Congress finishes looking into Major League Baseball's alleged condoning of steroid use, they're planning to investigate NASCAR for allowing speeding.

So the folks at Ikea are in trouble. Apparently they being accused of sexism because they only show men putting stuff together in their instruction manuals. Ikea says it's just trying not to offend Muslim customers who may be offended by seeing women doing manual labor. Geez, you can't win... but at least we all know that Ikea's instructions are still totally impossible to understand no matter what your religion, race, sex of nationality!

Harvard Business School is rejecting 119 applicants who hacked into a website to learn whether they were accepted. Harvard barred those applicants from coming to the business school because by hacking a restricted web site and breaking confidentiality rules, it's clear they already know how to succeed in business!

Also in business news, an investment firm is offering $5 billion to buy Toys R Us from its current owners. It would have offered more, but none of the batteries were included.

The Feds say two retired NYPD cops were working as hit men for the mafia while they were still on the force. They were earning $4,000 a month on the mob payroll... but you know, in New York, that's only about $2,000 after taxes.

Two Democratic candidates for Mayor of New York have agreed not to attack each other during the primary campaign, which is only slightly less shocking than their promise not to make fun of Staten Island.

Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice has admitted to scalping some of the 12 tickets to the Super Bowl he got from the NFL. Tice is expected to be punished severely by the league, which could even force him to continue coaching the Minnesota Vikings.

And Wrigley is bringing back the 1960s-era Doublemint Twins in its TV Ads. The gum maker says they'll remind Americans of a more innocent time... which will last until pictures of the twins having sex with each other inevitably surface on the internet.

Have a great weekend everybody!"

"So it looks like Ed took a bad fall and almost got himself killed at his house the other day. I guess he really fought to stay alive because once he dies and gets up here, you know I'm going to make him kiss my ass again.

It's Dan Rather's final broadcast tonight on the CBS Evening News. I expect nothing but class from Dan... he'll probably say an elegant farewell and then chain himself to the set.

So Congress is about to make it harder to declare bankruptcy from credit card debt. The Republicans say this will teach everyone in America a lesson about responsibility. But you know, if they really wanted to promote responsibility, it might be smart to stop the banks from sending everyone in America 100 credit card offers every month.

But the Democrats don't seem to have too many great ideas either nowadays. And I just read that last night, Senator Ted Kennedy said last week that he would again back John Kerry for President in 2008. But he may have just said that because Kerry was buying him drinks at the time.

They're about to release a new report that says American intelligence about Iran's weapons programs is "inadequate to make reasoned judgments"... and that's just the way the White House likes it.

Over in Britain, a new report says the average cost of taking care of a dog in England is $38,000... but enough about all the money Britain is spending on Camilla's wedding dress.

And finally, CBS is coming out with a new family edition of "The Amazing Race" that will allow children as young as 8 years old to compete. And I understand that on the first episode, each family will face the challenge of racing out of the Neverland Ranch before the kids find their way into the bedroom."