Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, it was another wild weekend here in Heaven. Plenty of crazy antics, booze and none of the guilt... kind of what it's like to work in Congress these days.

So I see Michael Jackson's lawyers are putting several famous names on their witness list, like Liz Taylor, Corey Feldman, and Kobe Bryant. I guess the strategy is to bring so many screwed up celebrities into the courtroom, the jury will eventually think Michael Jackson is almost normal.

Former slugger Jose Canseco is causing a big ruckus with his new book. Apparently he accuses every Major League team of using steroids... except the Mets; he says they used Altoids.

Canseco even accused President Bush of knowing about the steroid use when he owned the Texas Rangers. He didn't stop the players from using the drug, he just wouldn't allow them to buy those cheaper steroids from Canada.

That crazy school teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau, is actually going to marry the former elementary school student she started having sex with when he was just 12. Letourneau says she's doing it because she truly loves him, and the kid is going along with it just so he can finally get an "A" in fractions.

A programming note for my former bosses at NBC: actress Hillary Swank will host "Saturday Night Live" this weekend. That's after Paris Hilton hosted the show last weekend. Too bad Hilton doesn't have some of Swank's talent, elegance, or a role in a movie where we get to see someone beat her senseless.

So the Salvation Army is still looking for the person who dropped an engagement ring worth $400 in one of its kettles during the holidays. Here's a tip for them: any guy who bought an engagement ring worth $400 is probably still single.

It was nice to see Ray Charles win 8 Grammys for his final album. But the music industry's decision to give Charles those honors after his death doesn't make up for its decision to give Ashlee Simpson a recording contract before she can sing.

Well, I'm going to sign off now. It's going to be a fun night here in Heaven, because FDR and Barry Goldwater are going to have a mud wrestling match. I don't want to miss that!"