Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, I see we had a grand total of 2 visitors to this site yesterday... but that means I'm still more relevent than Ralph Nader.

So Michael Jackson got sick yesterday and was taken to the emergency room. You know, his lawyers were hoping the incident would make the jury feel sorry for Jackson, until it came out that Jackson kept demanding to be taken to the children's hospital. Yeow!

So the latest test of the national ballistic missile defense system failed again The Interceptor Missile did not come out of its silo and recognize its target... but at least this means we'll have an early spring!

I see the Pentagon is thinking about replacing human soldiers with robots. Now this isn't because they fight any better, it's just that they say robots are 22% less likely to be gay.

Real weird story from New Jersey to tell you about... A man there claims the penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because the folks at the company thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis.

In New York, "S" trains on the subway will soon be redecorated to look like western saloons to promote the new season of HBO's "Deadwood." There will be wood-paneled seats and faux cushions, but riders will probably still use the floor as a spittoon.

More news in that teacher-student wedding. Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, Vili Fualaau, have signed up with Macy's online bridal registry. Mary Kay's list asks for a floral pattern bedding set, but Vili is asking for the "Star Wars" pattern.

And finally, a new report says most local TV news programs have abandoned all coverage of local politics and issues in favor of more celebrity stories and gossip. But luckily for us, all the frivolous celebrities out there are starting to run for office.

Hey, that's all the time I have for now. I'm late to watch the Judy Garland-Janis Joplin drinking contest. I predict overtime."