Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Welcome back to my posthumous monologue Web site. Well, I say posthumous because I officially died a few weeks ago, but judging by the traffic on this site, you can definitely die more than once.

So they canceled the whole hockey season yesterday. But the good news is the
NHL will still try to have a season next year... they just need to settle the salary cap issue and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about hockey.

And I have more cancellation news to tell you about. Jennifer Lopez is nixing her European concert tour because she's too sick to leave Los Angeles. To get back on stage, J. Lo will have to fully recover... and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about J. Lo.

So, President Bush has nominated John Negroponte as the new Intelligence Chief Nominee. I understand he's getting to work right away and digging up dirt on any Senators who may not vote to confirm him. Oh, and he's also preparing for the next terrorist attack by setting up an early-warning system that can convene hearings on Capitol Hill in a moment's notice.

The New York Archdiocese has announced it's closing more Catholic schools. It's getting so bad, soon the only place kids will get molested is the Neverland Ranch.

The folks running Janis Joplin's estate have announced a new reality TV talent search to find the next Janis Joplin. All potential contestants are advised to start drinking now.

And finally, remember that pair of hawks who were evicted from and then brought back to a ritzy Fifth Avenue apartment building last year? Well, now they have been spotted mating. So I guess this means the building's co-op board caved in to their demands for family health insurance before they agreed to return.

That's all for me tonight folks. I have to get my raincoat because I'm sitting in the front row of the Marlon Brando vs. Orson Welles eating contest later this evening."