Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I'm looking forward to the weekend here in Heaven. Not only do I get to play golf, but my caddy is one of my ex-wife's divorce lawyers!


So, President Bush says he doesn't know if Syria was involved in the assassination of Lebanon's former Prime Minister. But he promised to withhold judgment until he knows what the facts are, and finds out whether there are any Halliburton executives working in Syria.

I have some good news in the world of international politics to tell you about. After more than a year of talks, India and Pakistan have finally agreed to start a peaceful and safe bus route to and from Kashmir. Now maybe India and Pakistan can start a safe and peaceful taxi route to LaGuardia.

So PBS president Pat Mitchell is resigning. They say she was forced out because there was a children's show with a lesbian couple in it. Sounds possible, but I think the real reason she quit is she didn't want to go through another rough contract negotiation with all of Elmo's lawyers again!

Birdwatchers in New York say the famous 5th Avenue red-tailed hawks, Pale Male and Lola, have been mating every day, five times a day, for five seconds at a time. Most nature experts are impressed that the birds are able to copulate in an urban setting, and most women are impressed that the male hawk is lasting 2 seconds longer than their husbands.

In sports, we had bad news this week. The National Hockey League became the first major sports league in North America to lose an entire season because of a labor disagreement. That's opposed to the New York Rangers, who lost all of the last seven seasons because they stink.

A Manhattan dominatrix named Scarlett Constance LeMay is being sued by a former nanny who says she was abused and underpaid. LeMay denies any wrongdoing, especially since when she abuses people, they usually pay HER.

And finally, Canadian singer Alanis Morissette officially became an U.S. citizen this week... once again proving that NAFTA has failed to protect the American people.

Have a great weekend folks. See you on Tuesday!"