Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"I'm glad I'm getting this chance to keep doing the monologue even after I'm dead. This kid Jake Novak is doing a nice job. But he's a little too eager to help sometimes. He kind of reminds me of what Ed was like before he deluded himself into believing he actually had talent.

I'm glad more of you are checking this Web site out every day. But we're still getting less traffic than Angelina Jolie's bedroom... and that's on a slow night.

I see the government is trying to enlist truck drivers in the battle against terrorism. That ought to be a great idea. I'm sure the truckers will alert the Department of Homeland Security every time they hear someone speaking Arabic on their CB radios.

Maybe we're going to have some good news in the Middle East for a change. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon actually says he's impressed with Mahmoud Abbas' efforts to confiscate weapons and secure the border. Now I guess all Sharon wants to see from the Palestinians before starting serious peace talks is a really nice buffet in the conference room.

Not such good news from Iraq though. There's lots of violence before that election there on Sunday. Apparently, the biggest problem is the terrorists are ignoring those signs that say: "No suicide car-bombing within 500 feet of a polling place."

There's a big business story in the news today. Procter and Gamble is merging with Gillette, making one of the world's most valuable corporations in sales of tooth paste, deodorant and shaving razors. Now just imagine how big that company would be if Europeans actually used some of those products!

I hope you're looking forward to your weekend. I have to say being in Heaven is mostly great, but the weekend's are even better... that's when God looks the other and let's us bring all the chicks up from Hell to spice up the parties. Usually they're hot stuff, but last week someone invited Susan Sontag by accident. Check please! See you Tuesday."

Johnny Carson's Second Posthumous Monologue
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner



"I hope everyone is getting used to my post-mortem monologues... and judging by the amount of hits so far on this Web site, most of you liked it better when I wasn't talking. Just remember, even after several days of rigor mortis, I'm still funnier and look more natural than Joan Rivers.

I'll be delivering these monologues on the same schedule I kept on the Tonight Show; Tuesday through Friday, with the weekends and Mondays off to relax, play golf, and write dozens of alimony checks.

Heaven is still nice but very quiet most of the time. I'm not saying it's boring, but I'm rethinking that invitation to dinner at Tommy Newsom's house.

Down on Earth, I see President Bush is announcing a record $427 billion deficit for this year. It's kind of an outrage, because I understand they're blowing most of the money on an investigation to see if Spongebob Squarepants is really gay.

There's lots of sports news these days. I see the Florida Marlins beat out the Mets and signed star outfielder Carlos Delgado. I guess Delgado decided against playing in front of lots of angry and cranky New Yorkers, and wanted to play in front of lots of angry and cranky retired New Yorkers.

The Philadelphia Eagles are still not giving star wide receiver Terrell Owens the go-ahead to play in the Super Bowl. Not because of his leg injury, but because no one can guarantee he won't rip off some woman's bustier during the halftime show.

So Donald Trump got married again. I think his new bride's name is Melania Knauss. Well, the whole thing didn't cost him so much because in return for the publicity, he received several deals on all the expensive items. Graff jewelers gave him the engagement ring for half price, Christian Dior discounted the cost of the wedding dress, and attorney Raul Felder is charging him reduced rates to file the divorce papers next month.

Well, that's all the time I have for now. If I hurry, I won't be late for my cloud flying lesson with Jerry Garcia. I understand he was an expert on that even before he died, so this should be good."

Johnny Carson's First Posthumous Monologue
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, first I wanted to thank the news media for all the kind words that have been said about me and my career over the last few days. I haven't seen such sucking up since I spent a weekend in one of Bernie Kerik's secret apartments.

A number of you are probably wondering why I stayed out of the public eye after I retired. Well, with the weather disasters we kept having in California, I figured I'd better stay inside. Oh, you didn't like that one, huh? And they say you can't hurt a ghost's feelings.

My time in Heaven has been pretty good so far. But I have to say, when I got here I thought I may have gone to the wrong place because the first person I saw was one of my ex-wife's divorce lawyers!

The angels are being so nice; answering all the age-old questions for me like: "Is there a God?" "Who killed Kennedy?" and "How the Hell is Jay Leno getting such good ratings?"

You know, my passing marks the end of era. I was the last of the old-time radio comics to break into TV. The last of the clean comedians to make it big. And the last reason why anybody had to pretend to respect Doc Severinsen.

Now I know a lot of you are wondering what I would say about all the huge events that have happened since I retired; the Monica Lewinsky scandal, 9/11, the fact that Ed McMahon found some 29-year old to marry him. I know these events have divided and angered the nation, but I can tell you there is a solution: blame the French.

But seriously folks, I hope people will learn something from the circumstances of my death. I was a heavy smoker for many years, and that can keep you from leading a healthy long life, playing sports, and getting into any decent bar and restaurant in Los Angeles.

In closing, I'd like to remind all of you that comedy is not dead. So stay up late and watch David Letterman, go to a comedy club, or re-read the transcript of President Bush's latest press conference... whatever you do, just try and laugh.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to grab some lunch before Orson Welles hogs all the egg salad at the buffet again."