Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well those steroid hearings are underway on Capitol Hill. And you know, I was really shocked, because it looks like Sammy Sosa is using a corked lawyer.

Meanwhile, according to a new survey, 35% of Major League Baseball players believe that records set by players on steroids should be marked with an asterisk. The other 65% actually don't know what an asterisk is.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day to all of you! You know this Saint Patrick's Day is also the first day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament... which means that by tonight, there will only be about 3 sober men in all of America.

I was kind of surprised to see Robert Blake get acquitted yesterday. Prosecutors blame the judge, jury, and the fact that they could never get as much press coverage as the Michael Jackson or Scott Peterson trials.

But you know, Blake's acquittal is actually not entirely good news for the former actor. At least if he were in jail, he'd have a good excuse for not getting any work in Hollywood.

But that Bernie Ebbers did get convicted. And now, CEO's are being scrutinized more than ever. I guess the only place a person can get away with breaking the law and losing billions of dollars nowadays is the White House.

Speaking of Washington, the Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of removing Terry Schiavo's feeding tube, so House Republicans are pushing for a bill to block the procedure. For some reason, those Congressmen really identify with a brain-damaged person who doesn't appear to be able do anything.

Iraq's new democratic national assembly convened for the first time this week. Following American tradition, the representatives immediately voted themselves a pay raise.

President Bush named the Pentagon's war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, to lead the World Bank. Bush says there's no better person to rebuild the world's poorest countries than a guy who helped destroy them in the first place.

Legendary CBS News Anchorman Walter Cronkite's wife died yesterday. Her death came just days after he told CNN he should have replaced her with Bob Schieffer years ago.

Former Baywatch actress Alexandra Paul was arrested at the GM plant in California after leading a protest against the company this week. Fellow cast member Pam Anderson was also at the GM plant that day, but only to have her airbags checked.

From now on, men in Oakland, California, who are caught soliciting prostitutes, will have their pictures placed on bill boards and bus shelters. Usually, you only see pictures of men who solicit prostitutes on election posters.

See you tomorrow folks!"

"So Michael Jackson was an hour and 40 minutes late to court yesterday. Jackson did say he was sorry, and promised that the next time he's late, he'll at least send R. Kelly as his opening act.

Apparently, Jackson's motorcade had trouble navigating the freeway traffic... I guess that's the last time they let Bubbles drive the limo.

On the stand, Michael Jackson's teenage accuser says he led him to engage in underage drinking, and then coached him on how to talk to TV interviewers. Hey, isn't that how George Bush got started?

The steroid scandal is in the news again. And now Congress is issuing subpoenas to lots of baseball stars because they say they've been waiting too long for the star players to respond. Well, now they know what it's like to be a Mets fan.

Meanwhile after Congress finishes looking into Major League Baseball's alleged condoning of steroid use, they're planning to investigate NASCAR for allowing speeding.

So the folks at Ikea are in trouble. Apparently they being accused of sexism because they only show men putting stuff together in their instruction manuals. Ikea says it's just trying not to offend Muslim customers who may be offended by seeing women doing manual labor. Geez, you can't win... but at least we all know that Ikea's instructions are still totally impossible to understand no matter what your religion, race, sex of nationality!

Harvard Business School is rejecting 119 applicants who hacked into a website to learn whether they were accepted. Harvard barred those applicants from coming to the business school because by hacking a restricted web site and breaking confidentiality rules, it's clear they already know how to succeed in business!

Also in business news, an investment firm is offering $5 billion to buy Toys R Us from its current owners. It would have offered more, but none of the batteries were included.

The Feds say two retired NYPD cops were working as hit men for the mafia while they were still on the force. They were earning $4,000 a month on the mob payroll... but you know, in New York, that's only about $2,000 after taxes.

Two Democratic candidates for Mayor of New York have agreed not to attack each other during the primary campaign, which is only slightly less shocking than their promise not to make fun of Staten Island.

Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice has admitted to scalping some of the 12 tickets to the Super Bowl he got from the NFL. Tice is expected to be punished severely by the league, which could even force him to continue coaching the Minnesota Vikings.

And Wrigley is bringing back the 1960s-era Doublemint Twins in its TV Ads. The gum maker says they'll remind Americans of a more innocent time... which will last until pictures of the twins having sex with each other inevitably surface on the internet.

Have a great weekend everybody!"

"So it looks like Ed took a bad fall and almost got himself killed at his house the other day. I guess he really fought to stay alive because once he dies and gets up here, you know I'm going to make him kiss my ass again.

It's Dan Rather's final broadcast tonight on the CBS Evening News. I expect nothing but class from Dan... he'll probably say an elegant farewell and then chain himself to the set.

So Congress is about to make it harder to declare bankruptcy from credit card debt. The Republicans say this will teach everyone in America a lesson about responsibility. But you know, if they really wanted to promote responsibility, it might be smart to stop the banks from sending everyone in America 100 credit card offers every month.

But the Democrats don't seem to have too many great ideas either nowadays. And I just read that last night, Senator Ted Kennedy said last week that he would again back John Kerry for President in 2008. But he may have just said that because Kerry was buying him drinks at the time.

They're about to release a new report that says American intelligence about Iran's weapons programs is "inadequate to make reasoned judgments"... and that's just the way the White House likes it.

Over in Britain, a new report says the average cost of taking care of a dog in England is $38,000... but enough about all the money Britain is spending on Camilla's wedding dress.

And finally, CBS is coming out with a new family edition of "The Amazing Race" that will allow children as young as 8 years old to compete. And I understand that on the first episode, each family will face the challenge of racing out of the Neverland Ranch before the kids find their way into the bedroom."

"So I guess the big news is this accidental shooting of an Italian journalist in Iraq. Some Europeans say the amry deliberately targeted this woman, but the Pentagon is strongly denying that, reminding everyone they only have a directive to shoot CNN journalists.

But seriously, this is something the news organizations here in the States are looking into. Well, except for FOX News, they're just bragging about how great it is that U.S. soldiers can hit a moving target from a few hundred yards away!

Also in Iraq, CNN has just obtained new pictures of the most-wanted terrorist over there, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Well, they actually had the pictures Friday, but they had to show America the more important pictures of Martha Stewart petting her horses first.

Boy the Martha coverage really is getting out of hand. I even hear that the Feds aren't going to give her that ankle bracelet monitor because they can track her every move simply by watching cable news!

But you have to give Martha credit. She's a hard worker. She rushed to her offices yesterday and promised everyone to keep the company stock prices high by committing three felonies a year for the next five fiscal years alone.

Martha isn't the only person making business news. The CEO of Boeing has been ousted for having an affair with another Boeing employee. Apparently in the airline industry, it's only okay to screw your customers.

There's more Social Security stuff in the news. Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel wants to boost the age when retirees can get Social Security benefits from 67 to 68, saying people are living and working longer. But actually, the only people over 68 in America with a decent job are members of the U.S. Senate.

Meanwhile, the Senate voted down a Democratic proposal to raise the minimum wage for the first time since 1996. Republicans say it's hypocritical to improve wages for lower class Americans while they're working so hard to eliminate Social Security benefits for middle class Americans.

Of course, it's not like the Republicans don't offer lots of people a chance to raise themselves out of poverty. In fact, you're always free to call the White House and tell them you're an aspiring right wing radio host.

And finally, Archaeologists have completed their new studies of King Tut's mummy and they say that he probably died of an infection that wasn't treated in time. That's because in ancient times it took even longer to transport those cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.

Speak to you folks tomorrow!"

"So they let Martha Stewart out of prison last night. I know the feds were supposed to use an ankle bracelet to follow her every movement during her house arrest, but now they can do that just by watching CNN.

Really folks, this wall-to-wall Martha coverage is ridiculous. But I guess the news media is choosing to stick with an easy story like this instead of trying to figure out the whole Social Security thing.

Speaking of that, President Bush isn't giving up on trying to convince Americans his plan to change Social Security will work. He's going to take his fight to the people in the coming weeks. But unless he can find a way to blame the Social Security shortfall on gay marriage, I think he's out of luck.

In other news out of Washington, President Bush named a real scientist, Stephen Johnson to head the EPA. That means he's not only the first professional scientist to head the agency, he's also the first person to run the EPA who wasn't a professional criminal.

And finally, the U.S. economy added an impressive 262,000 jobs in February. But it's only because most of the nation's gas stations now need more help adjusting the prices higher on all those signs.

Have a great weekend folks!"

"So I see Jay Leno is asking the judge in the Michael Jackson case to tell him if a gag order can stop him from telling jokes about the case on his show. But you know, the only thing really stopping Leno from making jokes about the case is the fact that he's no longer funny.

That millionaire Steve Fossett just completed the first solo around-the-world non-stop flight. He was also the first man to circumnavigate the globe in a hot air balloon. Either he's the gutsiest adventurer around, or he just has the world's largest bladder.

It wasn't all easy for him, though. He had a fuel supply scare at one point during the flight. But luckily he solved that fuel problem by using tail winds, instead of taking the Bush administration's advice to invade Iraq.

Well, we're all getting ready for Martha Stewart to get out of prison. It may happen as early as tomorrow, even though she's not scheduled to be released from prison until Sunday. I guess the other inmates have all suffered enough.

Now when she gets out, she'll still be under house arrest for another 5 months. She won't be able to go on trips or even visit her offices, but she will be able to do the things she enjoys most, like cooking, gardening, and yelling at people over the phone.

So I see the Wichita City Council fired the accused "BTK killer" Dennis Rader from his city job today, not because of the charges against him, but because he's failed to show up for work or call in sick since his arrest. The rest of the nation's serial killers are taking this as a warning to do all their murdering on their own time.

Meanwhile, the accused BTK killer's church is NOT throwing him out or relieving him of his leadership position. The church's pastor says while there's clear evidence Rader tortured and killed several people, he still hasn't done anything really terrible, like support gay marriage.

Good night folks, speak to you tomorrow!"

"I'm not sure who we have to pay to get people to come to this Web site. But hopefully we can save some time and it'll be the same person we want to pay to keep Chris Rock from hosting the Oscars again!

So the Supreme Court is hearing arguments today on whether it's okay to put the 10 Commandments in government buildings. But I think this case represents a conflict of interest because most of the justices were actually there when the 10 Commandments were first given 4000 years ago.

Of course it's useless to display the 10 Commandments in government buildings because most politicians won't follow the commandment against adultery unless it specifically mentions interns.

Some good news in the Middle East... I think. Syria is promising to withdraw its troops from Lebanon. They just have to figure out what to do with those 30,000 soldiers currently manning the occupation. You know, usually when Syria needs to reduce the size of its armed forces in a hurry, it just declares war on Israel.

So two top officers at Martha Stewart Living have resigned just as Martha is about to get out of prison. You know, the highly-paid executives can afford to quit; the rest of Martha's employees can only prepare for her return by stocking up on helmets and anti-depressants.

Did you know that in the 5 months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company's stock price has almost tripled? I know it seems crazy for a company to do better when its leader is behind bars, but just think how much the U.S. economy would improve if we put President Bush in prison!

Aeronautics entrepreneur Walter Anderson has been charged with cheating his way out of paying a record $200 million in personal income taxes. Experts say Anderson will definitely get prison time, fines, and the Republican party's nomination for President in 2008.

The Justice Department is looking into whether Halliburton executives rigged bids for construction projects by conspiring with other companies. And by 'other companies' I think they mean the White House, the Pentagon, and the Vice President's office.

And finally in sports, critics are demanding that Temple University basketball coach John Chaney resign after he admitted to sending a player into a game just to break an opponent's arm. Chaney may be finished in college basketball, but he has a future as a prison commander in Iraq.

See you tomorrow folks!"

"Well, I have to say I was touched by that tribute to me at the Oscars. Too bad I had to die before they acknowledged me, but at least I didn't die onstage like Chris Rock!

The nominees for Best Picture included films about a temperamental alcoholic, a billionaire descending into insanity, and a woman trying to make it in a man's game... wait a minute, was that the Oscars or a preview of the 2008 presidential election?

Maybe you saw Best Actor Jamie Foxx saying thank you to his grandmother for whupping him whenever he didn't act right. Most people saw that as an endorsement for corporeal punishment, but I thought it was really a call to beat the Hell out of Ben Affleck.


Now I hear the ratings were down for the broadcast. But that's only because people saw all the ridiculously-dressed celebrities, and they thought it was the Michael Jackson trial.

Yeah, that trial is underway now. In opening statements, prosecutors said Michael Jackson served a 10-year old boy alcohol and showed him gay porn. But Jackson's attorneys say he was only preparing the boy for a career as a right wing White House correspondent.

Now defense attorneys said the mother of Michael Jackson's accuser tried dupe other celebrities into giving her money, including Jay Leno. But cops say the woman gave herself away as a con artist when she told Leno he was funny.

So, while describing the mother's "scam," defense attorney Thomas Mesereau said Michael Jackson simply failed to "smell the ruse" like the other celebrities. And that's true... because Michael Jackson doesn't really have a nose.

More peace talks today. Britain is hosting a one-day international conference aimed at ending Palestinian financial corruption and reducing terror attacks against Israel. Of course, they could do that all in one fell swoop by taking the Palestinian officials' limousines away and making them all ride the bus.

Millionaire pilot Steve Fossett is attempting the first solo non-stop flight around the world today. If successful, he'll also become the first air traveler to actually spend more time on the plane than the security line.

In other news, did you see the police in Kansas celebrating and congratulating themselves for arresting the "BTK" serial killer? And they should be proud. I mean now we know that if murderers send them several letters full of clues for 31 years, and their own daughters turn them in; then there's nobody they can't catch!

They say this BTK guy was a Boy Scout Leader. And they thought they had trouble with the gay ones! But seriously, I mean they should have figure something was wrong when he taught his scouts how to shoot deer, and then how to write taunting letters to the deer's family.

Sanitation workers and cops are overwhelmed again today as New York is digging out from another snow storm. You don't usually see this many debilitated city employees in March unless it's St. Patrick's Day.

And finally in sports, the Baseball Hall of Fame may not induct players implicated in the recent steroid scandals. But don't worry, there is still a place where people who used drugs to achieve their greatness are always honored... it's called the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame."