Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, it's almost Oscar time. Even here in Heaven, it's going to be hard to watch someone else host the award ceremony. You'd think being dead would disqualify a person from being there, but judging by the way Joan Rivers looks these days, I'm not so sure.

So the odds-makers are all split over who should be favored to win most of Sunday night's Academy Awards. But the experts all agree the Best Actor Oscar should go to new host Chris Rock, for pretending to be interested in the Academy Awards.

Good news from the Vatican... the Pope is doing better. But after his surgery, the Pope's doctors are ordering him not to speak for a few days. So of course, President Bush is wondering if he can get treated by those same doctors.

The latest reports from Washington say the economy grew at an unexpectedly strong rate at the end of last year. The government says the spending numbers soared because of more factory orders, employee hiring, and Michael Jackson's decision to pay some of his legal bills.

Have you seen this new right-wing ad campaign accusing the AARP of being in favor of gay marriage? You know, the AARP says they don't but it's just that most of its members are too old to tell the difference between men and women.

Well, it's pretty obvious the Olympic Evaluation Commission has left, because New Yorkers are beginning to see more of the City's embarrassing sites... like criminals, homeless people, and the Knicks.

And finally, U2 lead singer Bono is being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize. Experts say it's because the only thing the entire world agrees about these days is that Bono's last three albums really stunk.

That's about it for today folks. The odds are in favor of "The Aviator" getting Best Picture, unless you count that stuff they downloaded off of Paris Hilton's cell phone. See you Tuesday!"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Well, we're all on our best behavior here in Heaven because they say the Pope may be coming soon. It would be a bit sad at first, but then it would be fun to hear him blasting his successor all the time!

So President Bush met with Russian leader Vladimir Putin today. The Russian people don't really understand President Bush... not because of the war in Iraq, but because he quit drinking.

Meanwhile, here at home, Republican Senators and Congressmen are going on the road to sell President Bush's Social Security plan. You know, I think those trips really are the best thing for the future of the program, because now the politicians are too busy to steal money from Social Security.

There's a new study that says America's tab for health care will hit $3.6 trillion by 2014... and that's not even counting all the plastic surgeries Joan Rivers is going to have!

So they finally got a jury seated in the Michael Jackson trial. And I have a feeling this group could be very favorable to him. That's because four of them are fans of his music, one of them has a grandson who was convicted of a sexual offense, and five of them don't actually scream in horror whenever they see his face.

Actress Carmen Electra is going around the country saying that losing her virginity in the back seat of a car in Cincinnati when she was 16 was "not glamorous." But it's not clear if she's saying that to promote teen abstinence or to warn people about Cincinnati.

And I see that Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's poll numbers have been slipping... but it's not clear if it's because of California's economic woes or the release of "Terminator 3" on DVD.

Allright that's all for now. Excuse me while I go give Linda Lovelace an 'emergency tracheotomy' of my own... know what I mean?"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"I've actually had a very unpeaceful few days here in Heaven lately. I thought that after I died, nobody would get the personal phone number I gave Paris Hilton.

So it looks like Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are going to have a civil marriage ceremony instead of a religious wedding where they would be married in the "eyes of God." But that's okay because Charles and Camilla are so ugly even God doesn't want to look at them.

Now there's a big deal over the fact that Queen Elizabeth isn't going to the ceremony. I think it's just because the Yankees-Red Sox game is on satellite that day.

There's a new survey of corporate executives that names Dell Computer as the most admired company in America. Business people love Dell's management philosophy, productivity, and how it showed them all how easy it is to ship all the good jobs to India.

And finally, the National Institutes of Health has cleared 80% of its doctors who were suspected of secret deals with pharmaceutical companies. It turns out the researchers couldn't have made any hidden agreements with the drug companies because they already had secret deals with the insurance companies.

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I hope you all had a nice long weekend. I enjoyed the extra time off from Ed... but I had to die to avoid getting all of his damn sweepstakes mailings every day!

So I see Ibrahim al-Jaafari emerged today as the leading candidate for Iraqi prime minister. Al-Jaafari, geez wasn't he the bad guy from "Aladdin."

Now Britain's navy has begun a campaign to actively recruit gays... which is kind of funny because most of Britain's gays are already enlisted in the navy.

New York City is pulling out all the stops to get the 2012 Summer Games. I guess they can advertise the city to foreigners by reminding them that nobody in New York speaks English either!

Bad news for the economy as the Winn-Dixie supermarket chain filed for bankruptcy today. I guess failure is what you can expect when you just don't stop supporting the Confederacy.

5 U.S. Senators, including Hillary Clinton are visiting Iraq on a fact-finding mission this week. It's a dangerous trip, because exposing the Iraqi people to members of Congress could derail the fledging democracy before it starts.

More of the major airlines are phasing out those discounted fares they give to close relatives of the dead and dying. It's too bad, because saying 'My Aunt Martha Died' was the best damn way for college kids to get to Florida for spring break!

So the United States continues to pressure Iran to drop its nuclear weapons program, and many are asking why no one is forcing Israel to give up its nukes. Of course, the reason is all of Israel's enemies already look like they've been hit by a nuclear bomb anyway.

In Europe President Bush is praising NATO as a strong military entity. The alliance is well-equipped, well-fed, and thanks to all of Bush's unilateral wars, it's pretty well-rested too!

And finally, the disco floor that John Travolta danced across in "Saturday Night Fever" has been saved from a doomed Brooklyn nightclub and will be auctioned off. The bell-bottoms he wore are already being used as the wind socks at JFK Airport.

See you tomorrow folks. It's time for my nightly argument with Jack Paar about who was a better host."

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I'm looking forward to the weekend here in Heaven. Not only do I get to play golf, but my caddy is one of my ex-wife's divorce lawyers!


So, President Bush says he doesn't know if Syria was involved in the assassination of Lebanon's former Prime Minister. But he promised to withhold judgment until he knows what the facts are, and finds out whether there are any Halliburton executives working in Syria.

I have some good news in the world of international politics to tell you about. After more than a year of talks, India and Pakistan have finally agreed to start a peaceful and safe bus route to and from Kashmir. Now maybe India and Pakistan can start a safe and peaceful taxi route to LaGuardia.

So PBS president Pat Mitchell is resigning. They say she was forced out because there was a children's show with a lesbian couple in it. Sounds possible, but I think the real reason she quit is she didn't want to go through another rough contract negotiation with all of Elmo's lawyers again!

Birdwatchers in New York say the famous 5th Avenue red-tailed hawks, Pale Male and Lola, have been mating every day, five times a day, for five seconds at a time. Most nature experts are impressed that the birds are able to copulate in an urban setting, and most women are impressed that the male hawk is lasting 2 seconds longer than their husbands.

In sports, we had bad news this week. The National Hockey League became the first major sports league in North America to lose an entire season because of a labor disagreement. That's opposed to the New York Rangers, who lost all of the last seven seasons because they stink.

A Manhattan dominatrix named Scarlett Constance LeMay is being sued by a former nanny who says she was abused and underpaid. LeMay denies any wrongdoing, especially since when she abuses people, they usually pay HER.

And finally, Canadian singer Alanis Morissette officially became an U.S. citizen this week... once again proving that NAFTA has failed to protect the American people.

Have a great weekend folks. See you on Tuesday!"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Welcome back to my posthumous monologue Web site. Well, I say posthumous because I officially died a few weeks ago, but judging by the traffic on this site, you can definitely die more than once.

So they canceled the whole hockey season yesterday. But the good news is the
NHL will still try to have a season next year... they just need to settle the salary cap issue and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about hockey.

And I have more cancellation news to tell you about. Jennifer Lopez is nixing her European concert tour because she's too sick to leave Los Angeles. To get back on stage, J. Lo will have to fully recover... and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about J. Lo.

So, President Bush has nominated John Negroponte as the new Intelligence Chief Nominee. I understand he's getting to work right away and digging up dirt on any Senators who may not vote to confirm him. Oh, and he's also preparing for the next terrorist attack by setting up an early-warning system that can convene hearings on Capitol Hill in a moment's notice.

The New York Archdiocese has announced it's closing more Catholic schools. It's getting so bad, soon the only place kids will get molested is the Neverland Ranch.

The folks running Janis Joplin's estate have announced a new reality TV talent search to find the next Janis Joplin. All potential contestants are advised to start drinking now.

And finally, remember that pair of hawks who were evicted from and then brought back to a ritzy Fifth Avenue apartment building last year? Well, now they have been spotted mating. So I guess this means the building's co-op board caved in to their demands for family health insurance before they agreed to return.

That's all for me tonight folks. I have to get my raincoat because I'm sitting in the front row of the Marlon Brando vs. Orson Welles eating contest later this evening."

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, I see we had a grand total of 2 visitors to this site yesterday... but that means I'm still more relevent than Ralph Nader.

So Michael Jackson got sick yesterday and was taken to the emergency room. You know, his lawyers were hoping the incident would make the jury feel sorry for Jackson, until it came out that Jackson kept demanding to be taken to the children's hospital. Yeow!

So the latest test of the national ballistic missile defense system failed again The Interceptor Missile did not come out of its silo and recognize its target... but at least this means we'll have an early spring!

I see the Pentagon is thinking about replacing human soldiers with robots. Now this isn't because they fight any better, it's just that they say robots are 22% less likely to be gay.

Real weird story from New Jersey to tell you about... A man there claims the penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because the folks at the company thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis.

In New York, "S" trains on the subway will soon be redecorated to look like western saloons to promote the new season of HBO's "Deadwood." There will be wood-paneled seats and faux cushions, but riders will probably still use the floor as a spittoon.

More news in that teacher-student wedding. Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, Vili Fualaau, have signed up with Macy's online bridal registry. Mary Kay's list asks for a floral pattern bedding set, but Vili is asking for the "Star Wars" pattern.

And finally, a new report says most local TV news programs have abandoned all coverage of local politics and issues in favor of more celebrity stories and gossip. But luckily for us, all the frivolous celebrities out there are starting to run for office.

Hey, that's all the time I have for now. I'm late to watch the Judy Garland-Janis Joplin drinking contest. I predict overtime."

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, it was another wild weekend here in Heaven. Plenty of crazy antics, booze and none of the guilt... kind of what it's like to work in Congress these days.

So I see Michael Jackson's lawyers are putting several famous names on their witness list, like Liz Taylor, Corey Feldman, and Kobe Bryant. I guess the strategy is to bring so many screwed up celebrities into the courtroom, the jury will eventually think Michael Jackson is almost normal.

Former slugger Jose Canseco is causing a big ruckus with his new book. Apparently he accuses every Major League team of using steroids... except the Mets; he says they used Altoids.

Canseco even accused President Bush of knowing about the steroid use when he owned the Texas Rangers. He didn't stop the players from using the drug, he just wouldn't allow them to buy those cheaper steroids from Canada.

That crazy school teacher, Mary Kay Letourneau, is actually going to marry the former elementary school student she started having sex with when he was just 12. Letourneau says she's doing it because she truly loves him, and the kid is going along with it just so he can finally get an "A" in fractions.

A programming note for my former bosses at NBC: actress Hillary Swank will host "Saturday Night Live" this weekend. That's after Paris Hilton hosted the show last weekend. Too bad Hilton doesn't have some of Swank's talent, elegance, or a role in a movie where we get to see someone beat her senseless.

So the Salvation Army is still looking for the person who dropped an engagement ring worth $400 in one of its kettles during the holidays. Here's a tip for them: any guy who bought an engagement ring worth $400 is probably still single.

It was nice to see Ray Charles win 8 Grammys for his final album. But the music industry's decision to give Charles those honors after his death doesn't make up for its decision to give Ashlee Simpson a recording contract before she can sing.

Well, I'm going to sign off now. It's going to be a fun night here in Heaven, because FDR and Barry Goldwater are going to have a mud wrestling match. I don't want to miss that!"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Well, we've completed another week here. We're winning over a few loyal readers every day... but at this rate I won't have a decent-sized audience until Jake's as old as Freddy DeCordova!

So I see North Korea says it has the bomb. And I guess that's forcing the world to ask some tough questions. The U.S. is wondering if it can destroy the arsenal, the UN is wondering if it can use diplomacy to neutralize the situation, and most of the North Korean people are wondering if they'll ever be able to have something to eat besides dirt.

So Prince Charles and Camilla are working hard to get ready for their wedding. You know, the only thing they should pay attention to is making sure Prince Harry doesn't dress himself!

So now that she's been ousted as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, reports say Carly Fiorina may get into politics. But after cutting thousands of jobs, depressing the stock market, and failing her supporters, Fiorina is probably too overqualified to work for the Bush administration.

Also in politics, Republicans and Democrats in the House introduced a bill to stop Medicare from covering Viagra. Because they say taxpayers should not pick up the bill for sexual activities. That's funny, because I think we've been picking up the bill for all of Congress' sexual activities for decades.

And the Senate has approved a bill that will make it harder for trial attorneys to file class action lawsuits. That's too bad, because filing class action lawsuits is the only time most lawyers have any class.

So, I just read that auto insurance rates are expected to rise 1.5% this year. That's the smallest increase since 2001. It's all because of fewer car thefts, safer vehicles, and the fact that Billy Joel now has a chauffeur.

And in show business, Paris Hilton will play "I Dream of Jeannie" star Barbara Eden in the March 16 episode of "American Dreams." All of America is hoping she'll learn something from that role... like how to make herself disappear.

Hey, it's time for me to disappear now. I'll speak to you again on Tuesday folks. Until then, I'll be drinking Mai Tais with Judy Garland and Joan Crawford... I may be the only straight man in Heaven who actually wants to do that!"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Thanks again for joining me. This Web site remains so hard to find, we haven't even received any annoying sweepstakes mailings from Ed McMahon!

I see Prince Charles has announced he'll marry long-time girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles in April. Those two aren't that easy on the eyes anymore. In fact, it'll be the first royal event the paparazzi really won't want to photograph.

Back in the Middle East, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Iran has to move quickly to end its nuclear weapons program. But she added the U.S. has no deadline for Tehran to act. In other words, Iran shouldn't worry until President Bush's approval ratings dip below 50% again

I see the Supreme Court has shut down the barber-shop where the justices have had their hair cut since 1935. It's being replaced with a new facility where the judges can conveniently get their dialysis, chemotherapy, and arthritis therapy.

Donald Trump could be in trouble soon. A St. Louis man with paralysis is suing the producers of "The Apprentice," saying they are unfairly discriminating against would-be contestants with disabilities. But the show actually intends to make up for that by continuing to cast people with mental disabilities.

I see "Desperate Housewives" star Marcia Cross is denying rumors that she is secretly a lesbian. I've actually seen that show... she should also deny rumors that she is secretly an actress.

And finally, have you heard the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is suing three men who are establishing the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The suit says the public could confuse the two. I think this lawsuit is an example of legal abuse, but it's also proof that these men should first build the Jewish Lawyers Hall of Fame.

That's all for today folks... I'm going to try to get a quick visit to the barber's before Dick Nixon comes in for one of his hourly shaves."

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Hello again everybody. It was a great night here in Heaven, because we decided to stage our own version of 'American Idol.' It was great to hear Sinatra, Dean Martin, Elvis, etc. But the judging part just wasn't the same because there's nobody here in Heaven as nasty as that Simon Cowell guy.

Well, I see the most powerful woman in business is out of a job. Carly Fiorina finally gave in to the pressure and stepped down at Hewlett-Packard. Although, I actually heard the real reason she quit is she couldn't take waiting for all those paper jams in her office's HP printers to get fixed.

Very weird and wacky story coming out of Washington this week. People say that during this past Sunday's church services, President Bush gave his wife a kiss, then patted her on the behind before shaking hands with all his fellow worshippers. You know that's a total reversal from President Clinton's policy, because he used to shake hands with Hillary and then start kissing and patting all his fellow worshippers on the behind.

Remember when I used to host the Academy Awards? That was always fun. And I see
that under a new deal with the Academy, ABC will broadcast the Academy Awards through 2014. Oh no, wait... that's just when this year's Oscar broadcast will finally be over.

So, work has begun on a massive public art project in New York City, where 7,500 bright orange gates will be set up throughout Central Park. Of course, most park users won't care what color they are as long as they can pee on them.

Also out of Washington several news organizations are reporting that the mysterious Watergate figure "Deep Throat," who helped bring down President Richard Nixon, is near death. But you know a lot of young folks are confused by this story, because they logically assume "Deep Throat" was responsible for Bill Clinton's downfall.

And in sports, baseball stars Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, and Rafael Palmeiro are all denying Jose Canseco's claims that they shared steroids with him. You know, those denials make sense... everyone knows those guys never share!

That's all for me today. Speaking of baseball, I'm going to if Shoeless Joe Jackson is back from playing in that guy's cornfield in Iowa."

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"I want to start again by thanking all of you for your huge support. Now I know what it's like to work for Ralph Nader.

So the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl again. Boy, it's been a great year for Boston. The Red Sox won the World Series, the Patriots won their third Super Bowl in four years... you know, Boston fans are getting so used to this, they may not even start a riot tonight.

With all this happening, you might think Boston has completely shed its image as a "loser" town. But you know, that can't really happen as long as John Kerry and Michael Dukakis keep living there.

I give a lot of credit to the Philadelphia Eagles. They kept it close. And even though he recently broke his leg, Philadelphia wide receiver Terrell Owens had a great game. Owens says God healed him in time for the game... which is good because now he can get back to all the frivolous things he does like helping AIDS, cancer, and tsunami victims.

Lots of surprises in President Bush's new budget. The whole thing calls for $2.5 trillion in spending.... and that's not even including the $12 billion they have to set aside to import cheaper prescription drugs just for Dick Cheney.

Oh, that offended you, huh? Well, keep it up and I'll put itching powder in your Ben Gay!

President Bush is still pushing his Social Security privatization program, trying to convince the elderly to go along with it. He even took his fight to the radio this weekend, which was a brilliant move... not because he said anything new, but because he disguised his voice to sound like Paul Harvey.

The Pope is getting better, and that's good news. But you know, he's really thinking about retirement. Apparently, the only thing holding him back is that if he leaves the Papacy, he'll lose his season tickets to Notre Dame.

It looks like there's some progress in the peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians. Apparently Sharon and Abbas really hit it off by telling each other all their favorite Suha Arafat jokes.

Some embarrassing news from Iraq this week. A female National Guard soldier has been punished for indecent exposure after competing in a mud-wrestling party in Iraq. The Pentagon says the woman has been reprimanded, demoted, and selected as the perfect new commander of the Abu Ghraib prison.

It was a big weekend in Ethiopia as Rastafarians from around the world joined tens of thousands of Ethiopians at a concert marking the 60th anniversary of reggae legend Bob Marley's birth. It was the most incense ever burned in one place since last year's freshman orientation at U.C. Berkeley.

And finally, some bad news in the world of science. It turns out NASA doesn't have enough money to keep the Hubble Telescope operational. But you know, astronomers at the space agency could probably just cut back on the telescope's workload, and stop using it to spy on girls.

That's all for today folks... I have a deposition to get to. Yep, the lawyers run things up here too."

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"Thanks for joining me again before the big Super Bowl weekend. You know, in Heaven, watching sporting events is a mixed bag. The angels can't say who is going to win beforehand, but they do let us know which players are taking the most steroids.

There's been a lot of talk about Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens up here. Owens says God healed him in time to play in the big game. But I spoke to God yesterday, and he's still taking the Patriots and laying 8 points.

So now we know a lot more about the funny business in that "UN Oil for Food" program... $64 billion and most of it went to pay New York City parking tickets. I guess we should have known something was up when they admitted all the food was being made by Martha Stewart.

Feel free to laugh anytime here, folks... now that I'm dead, I really do have all night.

I see Leona Helmsley is saying her late husband Harry is speaking to her through her dog. Actually that's true. In fact, Harry told me that after living with Leona for all those years, he learned how to speak Bitch.

That's right, I can say "Bitch" up here. If I had used language like that when my show was on, NBC would have demoted me to a recurring character on "Punky Brewster."

That Michael Jackson trial is still in the jury selection process. Potential jurors are being asked if they've ever had experiences with inappropriate sexual behavior, cancer, lawsuits and people of different races. But to be really fair, they should also be asked if they've ever seen a ghost, space alien, or more than 10 episodes of "The Swan."

So they're planning a new exhibit at the anti-evolution "Creation Museum" explaining how Tyrannosaurus Rex existed at the time of Adam and Eve and was created by the "terror that Adam's sin unleashed." I understand another exhibit explains that Dodo birds went extinct because they were all gay.

Talk about a sweet deal... a Manhattan woman is going to court to keep the lease to her $100 a year rental apartment, which would normally rent for $3500 a month. And now that the rest of New York City knows about her rent situation, the woman should also go to court to get police protection.

So UPN is canceling that "Star Trek: Enterprise" show. Yeah that means it'll be the first time in 18 years that there will be no new Star Trek shows on TV. So Star Trek fans will now have to watch re-runs, which I understand is something they are not at all familiar with or comfortable doing in any way.

Well, I'm going to call it a week folks. If you think you're going to a good Super Bowl party, I'm going to watch the Super Bowl with Vince Lombardi!"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner

"Thanks again for coming to this Web site. I don't want to say I'm disappointed in the number of hits we're getting, but apparently there are fewer people reading this thing than Burbank residents who stay up past 10 PM!

Wow! You know, it got a lot more crowded up here in Heaven last night. I guess it could be the flu bug going around, but I think it may have had something to do with President Bush giving another speech on national television.

I know the President has been getting a lot of criticism for his Social Security plans. He wants people to invest some of their retirement money on Wall Street. Let me say just one thing in his defense folks: Take it from me, when you get too old for sex, worrying about the market will be your only excitement! Oh, and another good thing about this is that if you invest all your money in Starbuck's now, maybe they'll give you a job there when you're 80!

Boy my old network has really hit bottom. NBC says Martha Stewart will star in a new version of "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump as executive producer. I haven't seen that many crooks and phonies in one place since the Nixon administration. Although I can't wait to see what it's like when Martha orders a bunch of poor saps to knit Donald some better hair. And while they're at it, maybe they'll come up with a way Martha can skip out on that house-arrest ankle bracelet monitor.

I hear the Super Bowl host city of Jacksonville, Florida is dealing with some major crowding this week. You know hotel rooms are so scarce that Bernie Kerik is only able to bring half his mistresses.

So I see the UN has named Bill Clinton the Special Envoy for Tsunami relief. They're hoping he'll be able to convince countries to stick with reconstruction efforts even when media interest dies down. I guess Clinton is the perfect choice, since he's stuck with Hillary even though he lost interest in her long ago.

More good news from the Middle East. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas have accepted an invitation for a summit next week at an Egyptian resort. Well, Abbas has accepted an invitation to a summit, Sharon has accepted an invitation to the resort's "all you can eat" buffet.

Well, I've got to go to lunch now. I've just learned the best way to get larger portions in the cafeteria in Heaven is to get in line behind Karen Carpenter. See you tomorrow!"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"It's good to be back with you again today. I have to say, Heaven hasn't felt all that different from Earth these last few days. That's because all the old folks up here are upset about Social Security too!

You know President Bush is trying to privatize Social Security, and that's scaring lots of seniors. But I've always thought that if he really wanted to frighten the elderly, the President could impose heavy FCC fines on Paul Harvey.

You probably saw that the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. That's bad news for most of the country, because it means at least six more weeks of jury selection in the Michael Jackson trial.

Now we have more info on why Hillary Clinton collapsed during a speech on Monday. Her doctors say dehydration was to blame. Gee, you'd think she would have learned from Bill how much trouble you can get into in politics when you lose fluids!

Well, even though the elections went well, insurgent groups in Iraq say they're going to launch a "jihad" to stifle the U.S.-orchestrated democracy there. But you know the best way to stifle an American-style democracy isn't terrorism... you just have to hire lots of high-priced lobbyists.

Some of America's critics seem to be coming around, though. French President Jacques Chirac called President Bush to congratulate him on the Iraq elections. But you know, now that the French are praising U.S. policy there, we're ordering a full withdrawal.

Actually we can't expect to leave Iraq anytime soon. In fact, Iraq's President Ghazi al-Yawer says it would be "complete nonsense" to ask U.S. troops to leave the country now. That's especially since we still need to perfect that naked Iraqi prisoner pyramid routine in time for next year's Super Bowl halftime show.

Interesting story today from the world of science, it turns out that the region of the brain that inhibits risky behavior is not fully formed until age 25. I guess that explains why so many 10-year olds still think it's okay to visit the Neverland Ranch.

That's all I have for you folks today. I don't want to miss the look of Ronald Reagan's face when they tell him that Ron Jr. spoke at the Democratic convention!"

Johnny Carson's Posthumous Monologues
"Channeled" by Jake Novak Jake's Comedy Corner


"I've wrapped up my first week here in Heaven, and it's starting to feel a lot more like home. In fact, I think I'm closer to home than I first thought, because I can still smell the alcohol on Ed's breath.

I'm really glad those elections in Iraq seem to have gone pretty smoothly. It's always nice to see a dictatorship pull off a clean transition to democracy... it kind of gives me hope we'll be able to do that here in America real soon too.

The big news in California is the Michael Jackson trial getting underway. You know, Jackson's lawyers are already upset because the judge in the case is allowing sexually explicit materials to be used as evidence. But I'm not sure which will be more damaging to the defense -- letting the jury see that evidence, or letting the jury see Michael Jackson.

Now they keep bringing in hundreds of potential jurors to the courtroom. I don't know about you folks, but I wouldn't want to be trapped in that case for months. I have heard some good excuses from potential jurors. Apparently a lot of them are claiming to have a conflict of interest because they studying to be plastic surgeons or morticians.

We had a nice little story this past weekend. The tiny town of Mink, Louisiana became the last rural area in the U.S. to finally receive phone service. So I guess that means telemarketers have about 3 days to bombard those poor people before they can get themselves on the "Do Not Call Registry."

Kind of a nice story to tell you about from the world of sports. NBA star Carmelo Anthony is going to be one of the leaders of a new national anti-violence effort. But that means the first thing he has to do is quit the NBA.

I'm off now to meet up with some old friends, Rodney Dangerfield and I are going to have a few laughs over that idiot at CNN last weekend who thought he was still alive."